Blogging is like masturbating in front of a mirror while taping it, so you can watch it later while masturbating-Lewis Black
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
It Still Stings
Hanging out with my friends on Saturday, my friend Kevin tells me that he noticed that several of his friends are also friending up with my estranged (9 years this Summer of not speaking) stepbrother Mark on Facebook. I went to check out his profile but it was locked.
Sunday there is a friend request from Mark in my email. Now did I accidentally request to be friends with him or was it just an odd coincidence? Don't know, don't care. There it is in front of me. Oddly enough though, I've lately been reflecting on the number 9, but that's an aside.
9 years ago Mark backed out as Best Man for my wedding while backing up his mother's claim that I'm literally a bastard child. Ouch!
He has two kids and a wife and lives in a fairly wealthy part of the STL County.
What do you say when you read: "It's been too long. Lets get together and catch up."
This was my response:
Right now my heart says "yes" and my heart says "no".
Unfortunately things were said regarding my parentage a few years ago that can't be unsaid. I could likely disregard this, but there is still the spectre Millicent hovering around and the memory of her shoving Alessandra out the door and raging over a birthday cake while shrieking what a terrible son I was kind of bothers me. I still have the answering machine tape where she tells me that I'm a bastard son.
While hindsight shows that I was indeed young douchebag, it comes to my attention that I was doing the best I could with the complete lack of tools at my disposal. I have to work really hard to pick out good family memories. The result of which has left me very emotionally distant from nearly all of my family (immediate and in-laws).
The bottom line is that for all my faults and the responsibility I'm willing to take for messing up the family, at this time I can't disconnect you from Millicent, and I am very happy being disconnected from her.
BUT, when I say my heart says "yes" I'm not willing to close the door. I hear nice things about you both from time to time from people you know. I greatly appreciate the outreach, and I'm certainly willing to chat back and forth via facebook, but I don't think a get together is possible for the time being.
Like I said the door isn't closed, and I'm pass along our photo website, so you can see what we've been up to the past few years.
So far there has been no response.
I told my sister and she went apeshit because our step mother promising but not delivering us each $10,000 before she managed to drive us off from that part of our family.
Believe it or not the issue is not about money. That same year my mother's sister jerked me out of $30,000, and I still talk to her from time to time. Jesus 40,000 fucking dollars. That's where the title of the post comes from. I don't hold that grudge, but it still stings when I think about it. It's about something deeper that has no name. A lifetime of Familial longing and Rejection and in the end, it's me doing the rejecting to nearly all my family because I'm sick of being hurt.
Anyway, that's the story. Like Life, there is no clean ending here. Just another post in a long line of posts.
Reality: I am on a bike ride with my collegiate friend Sappo. We are 15 miles out from Cap'n HQ not too far from the house of Eileen's parents. Eileen=First ever collegiate girlfriend, lives in Portland, OR. I have pulled ahead of Sappo and am waiting for him to catch up.
Imagination: A car drives by. It is Eileen and her dad, Bob. Eileen says, "Holy Shit! That's Cap'n Marrrrk, pull over."
Hey Cap'n Marrrrk!
Holy Shit Eileen, what are you doing in town? Hey' you're in town and you haven't called me?
Reality: I pop out of the day dream as Sappo pulls up. "Hey Sappo, what do you think about when you ride?"
Sappo: "You aren't going to believe this, but Eileen came into (the restaurant I manage) last Thursday night?"
Me: Wow, that's really tripped out because you'll never guess what I was just thinking." I tell him. It's only natural that she doesn't call me. I was only an Ex from 20 years ago. But to make it even weirder is this: Thursday Night I was talking on the phone to Tiffany who was Eileen's room mate at the time we first met. Tiffany had found me on Facebook after a 7 year communication blackout. She lives in Italy and was back in the States for a month to visit her mother in Texas, so she thought she'd call with cheaper LD rates.
How weird is that? Nearly weird enough to make me think Cosmic Plans and Coincidences were at work. But then I wised up.
My cousin Leslee lives in San Francisco and daughter Sara has attended a science camp (Cub Creek Science Camp) for the past 4 years in Rolla, Mo. We've offered to drive her down and back but her grandma has always done it until this year when she moved herself out to San Francisco. Since we were already going down for the 4th of July to visit my inlaws who live near by, we finally got the word that we could bring her back. Long story short, we picked her up a day early so she could visit the farm and hang out with us instead of just a quick 2 hr car ride.
Even shorter: How am I going to entertain a 12 year old girl I hardly know in a house full of Brazilians on a farm with no animals? What does one even say to a 12 year old girl?
Since Alessandra was hosting some friends at the farm as well it was up to me to go pick up my first cousin once removed for a day at a farm with no animals.
Here are the the highlights of our visit told in anecdotal conversation. Me=me, SR=Sara Rose.
SR: I believe no animal is ever responsible for an attack. It's always going to be a man going into the animals place and forgetting it's an animal. There is no such thing as a "bad" animal. Even pit bulls have to be trained, and they can be rehabilitated.
SR on NTM: No, it's not "when will the monkey bite, they always bite first thing. It's how they establish dominance. I try to teach her about anthropomorphizing, but she's already familiar with the concept and calls it "personification" which is pretty much the same thing. This girl is 12?
I know this is a silly question, but have you ever heard of a band called "The Beatles?" Me LMAO: Of course, they were the biggest pop group of all time. These two counselors at my camp [aged 17], never heard of them so I thought it was just a "California thing." Me: You are obligated to hit anyone on the nose with a rolled up newspaper if you ever hear that again.
Along the way to the farm we rescue two turtles from the highway.
SR: I have a master plan. I am going to become a veterinarian, get a job at a zoo and spend a couple of years working with big cats, maybe rescue some cheetahs, then this is the stupid part. I know it sounds stupid, but I want to rescue maybe 5 snow leopards, tranquilize them then clone them back from the edge of extinction.
Me: That is probably the best master plan I've ever heard. Think about it, by the time you finish vet school and work with the cats cloning technology will be much further along and totally possible. You have got to do it!
20 minutes into the ride to the farm: Can I ask you a question? I want to sing for you, but I need an unbiased opinion. She sings and is on key, but needs training. I tell her to remember that a)she's singing a capella, b)with no warm up & c) for a near stranger. So power to her.
While discussing the odd gifts her grandma gives her for christmas and birthdays (a tin drum so she can form a band with her brother and cousin, and a single spoon so she can learn to play the spoons). I tell her that once her grandma gave me a buy one/get one free coupon for AMC theaters. Me: Rich people don't get rich giving it away.
SR: My parents once told me "Everyone is rich in some way either in spirit, or talent or family so I told them: What about the drug addict, alcoholic with no family or friends who is about to die of aids? You can't tell me that person doesn't exist. How is he rich? They didn't have an answer.
Me:That's one of the little lies your parents tell you because they love you. They may even believe it themselves, but it's still a lie. Another one is: 'That's ok, everything will work out alright in the end' which is another lie because that certainly isn't true either.
SR: My mom told me I'd better not get burned playing with fireworks.
So I let her hold the propane torch and light our fireworks. Light then run! Later, while not exactly lying to her mom about the fireworks, neglected to tell her we were blowing shit up.
SR: I've never had a milkshake before. We later take her Steak n Shake so she can have her first strawberry/banana shake. "It's marvelous!"
SR: hates chocolate and when she received 6 boxes from boys for Valentine's Day, she offers to pay her brother and mom to eat them for her. Later in the afternoon I watch her delicately pull chocolate chips out of her Chips Ahoys.
Has read the book Wicked which has some racy parts, and wants to see the play. She heard it was awful but she wants to see it anyway "I don't want believe it's terrible because that's what people say. I want to see it because I want to judge it on my own."
SR: used the word Tenterhooks in a casual conversation.
SR: Do you miss your hair? Me: Not really, because as you can see I'm balding anyway. SR: I wish my legs would go bald because I hate shaving them. Me again laughing my ass off: Welcome to the rest of your life. You could always let it grow out and never shave like a hippy. SR: No I couldn't because I'm not a hippy.
SR: Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Me: As much as I'd like to say "Optimist" I'm going to have to go with Pessimist. SR: I'm a Pessimistic Realist
SR: Did you an Alessandra have crushes on other people before you met? Me: Of course! SR: I believe in 'love at first sight' but not "true love at first sight". I don't think thats possible.
SR: I lost 3 ipods in one month. I'm not allowed to have any more. Later SR discovered she'd left her cell phone at the camp so we had to pick it up again on the way out of town. After we put her on the plane, we discovered she's left it in my car.
And so it went for a very enjoyable afternoon and day hanging out with my cousin. It shocked the hell out of me how much this girl knows. I told her she was "dangerously smart, but criminally stupid: because of some thing she had done later that evening, but man it was a gas.
This post is written without coffee, while I reflect whether anyone really reads or cares about the personal stuff I write here.
When you're young, your choice in bands sets the soundtrack of your life and helps you identify who you are. 20 years ago I saw my first Poi Dog Pondering show at hole in the wall dive in Columbia, Missouri and my soundtrack was set. Last night I saw Poi Dog after a 3 year audio hiatus, 5 years and two albums of disappointment while they toured a new album I knew nothing about and is the impetus of this post so you can see how the songs of the Frank Orrall and the music of Poi Dog Pondering have been interwoven in the fabric of my life.
Poi Stories
You are a butterfly and my eyes are needles. "Pure Poetry," says Tim Volas, a friend from Jr. High rediscovered in college. We are working at Shakespeare's Pizza in Columbia, Missouri. "You have to listen to these guys." Tim has control over the store stereo, and it is played often while I wash dishes in the back and deliver pizzas. Soon Poi comes to town and I see them in a shit hole bar, The Blue Note (v1). 8 people are crammed on a tiny stage making crazy noise with a trumpet, a mandolins an accordian and one instance a frying pan. It was high energy Bedlam and I was hooked.
"No this band is not 'just like Rusted Root'! Just because there is a penny whistle in both 'hits' does not make it the same. The energy is totally different, the sound is totally different!" (I've never heard any Rusted Root beyond their one song.) Say what you want about me, but don't Dis my fucking band.
I turn on several fraternity brothers to Poi Dog Pondering. I am the only one who can whistle the entire penny whistle solo in "Living with the Dreaming Body." At least I thought I could. I smoked a lot of weed back then.
Relentlessly climbing, encumbering and swallowing fresh pain. Melting, reemerging and rising up clean in the pouring rain. Rise up in the pouring rain, only to drop down and decay again.
During my student teaching, I used Poi's "Fact of Life" in my lessons about the New England Transcendentalist. The kids generally don't dig it. While I'm only 4 years older than them, they are obligated to hate everything the teacher does because I am an old man to them.
A lifetime of accomplishments of which the dirt knows none, only in death can one truly return.
I am living in my first post college apartment, which is some guy's furnished basement. I met him through an agency. Later he kicked me out for being consistently late with the rent.
A girlfriend gives me a cassette of Poi's second album "Wishing Like a Mountain, Thinking Like the Sea" for my birthday. It is several months before I actually listen to it because I suffer from anxiety and acute thanophobia and I never make it past the first song which is about death. Eventually I listen to it and come to love the song and entire album.
At bar one night watching a local Dead cover band, I meet a fellow named Henry Horning who becomes a close friend. He lives with me for a while in the basement and I turn him on to Poi Dog Pondering. He takes that love back with him to Cleveland where he turns on his entire immediate and local extended family on to Poi. Parents, Siblings, Nieces and Nephews. Poi becomes the family soundtrack played at weddings and births and get togethers. The family has road tripped to Chicago and around Ohio to catch shows. I love the Hornings. They're awesome.
Lost fragment: at one concert in Columbia, the concert gets interrupted by a bomb threat. Everyone goes outside and we hang around chatting with the band, smoking our cigs until the show goes on.
Me, Henry and Henry's Sister Mary-Helen (in town to go to nursing school) go see a Poi show. Mary-Helen runs into a guy she knows, and they REALLY hit it off at the show. They start dating and eventually marry. I include this story because MH became a close friend of mine talking me into calling Alessandra for the first time (with Poi playing in the background, of course) from her apt. one night.
Sometimes like a dream you come cut from the same cloth The light in your palm so white I feel it in my heart Horse hoof imprint on the saddle back bare hide of a horse You come with steam of breath and Caligula's's head To me so lonesome and longing and so unsatisfied Even with all this beauty flooding deep into my eyes Stop for a moment and listen to the wind See the trees, leaves the sun they catch and their rustling din
One day friend of Mary Helen's comes to town from Ohio for a Poi show. I take the day off to play tour guide. We go to the Arch, hang out and have a great time, stopping by the Bar to try and say hi to the Band during sound check, but they are already gone. We are told it is going to be a driving, high energy show. Me and this guy have a great day. We hear "Jackass Ginger" for the first time and are blown away. I never see or hear from this dude again, but a great time was had by all.
Two long years are spent waiting and hoping for a new Poi CD. At this point all I'm listening to is The Grateful Dead and Poi Dog Pondering. I don't have a stereo, so the only place I listen to music is in my car. I am sent a box of promotional cassettes with several songs from "Volo Volo". One night after a night at a bar I drunkenly make my friends listen to the songs in the car before driving home." I don't go to AA for another year or so.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Slippy side, Side-Side-Side go to go
a long time gone and a long time past so soon so soon -- Lack Luster Lack Luster how can I muster The faith That I need to see The Things I need to see -- on again off again Bronco try to hold on to the ribs of the situation at hand.
a long time gone and a long time past, since I felt That Things were within my grasp. . . wheel roll round round, round, round -- hear that Sound.
Volo Volo is finally released, nearly every song is the story of my life and probably yours too. You should listen to it, it's really good. I am totally floundering around in my life. My desire to be a teacher has fallen apart, I'm a likely alcoholic living in a shitty apartment with no AC in a St. Louis Summer. Winter almost kills me when all the heat goes out the walls, I owe a few grand for a computer I bought which does nearly nothing I need it to do (Mac Color Classic in 92? Craptacular). I have few to no friends. Thing pretty much suck, but I have the Poi to listen to and it keeps some part of me uplifted.
I've got my body I've got my soul I have so much to learn now this I know I might have eyes I might have fingers and toes But tell me what good are all those things if you ain't got your soul I've got my body I've got my soul Someday I might have a million dollars, then again I might have only One change of clothes You may deal in silver you may deal in gold But tell me what good are all those things if you ain't got your soul Now cut me bleeding down fallen if I should rob from my soul Let the sight of my blood remind me of the truths I do know Like the fleeting hold the body has on the soul I've got my body I've got my soul Help me keep it true help me keep it straight help me to heep hold Cut me bleeding down fallen if I should rob form my soul And let the sight of blood remind me of the truths I do know
(Bridge) Because every time you lie deceive or cheer you lose a little bit Lose a little bit lose a little bit of your soul
Eventually I get some of my shit together. Stop drinking and go back to school to learn a new trade. I spend time hanging out with Mary-Helen and as previously mentioned she convinces me to call up Alessandra while I operate on Poi courage. We make plans to fix her step-dad's computer. After a comedy of errors and some time passing we eventually begin dating.
Drowning in my heart to be drowning in your arms won't you take me? Three summers eves, tangled up in sheets won't you take me? Take me! I'm as steady as a see-saw, and as longing as the wind visions come so filling I swoon-whoo-hooon.
Alessandra and I spend a lot of time in my very messy apartment making love to Poi Dog Pondering.
3 fucking years pass without a new Poi CD. But they continue to tour.
Sorrow is an angel that comes to you in blue light and shows you what is wrong just to see if you'll set it right and I've fucked up so many times in my life -- that I want to get it right this time.
Complicated, it's all right. So tell me something someone and help me get it right, or hit me over the head, box me up and say good night. I can't stand to see myself go through the motions that bring me back into these same old sad emotions.
Alessandra finally gets to see Poi along with my mom one night. "Complicated" is played for the first time in STL. Ale gets hassled by security after the show when she wants an autograph because she is underage. She gets bounced, but I don't recall if she gets in a quick hug afterwards.
"Pomegranate" is released. It sounds totally different from the other albums in that it is very, lush and stringy with a hint of "house music" in it. After the second listen it sinks it's hooks and is here to stay.
I am working at a local microbrewery designing labels. Alessandra and I make up two cases of beer with custom Poi Dog labels on it to take to a show in Columbia. After the show I present the beer to the band. When asked for a hug by Frank I get a great big. "FUCK YEAH!"
Alessandra's Parents go to Indonesia to work for 6-8 months. By the end of week two I've moved in to her house. By the end of the month we have taken up residence in the Master Bedroom.
1995 Jerry Garcia Dies. Dead and Poi are mostly what I listen to. Alessandra's parents return home and we get an apartment together. One night while watching something on ABC we hear as part of an ABC promo the opening music to "Complicated". Alessandra and I totally freak out with joy. Poi has hit the mainstream?! We never see it again.
I need something to take me over the top
Halloween 1996 my father falls in a swimming pool and drowns.
Poi performs 6 shows at the Vic Theater in Chicago. They add a 7th night which falls on my 30th birthday. Alessandra and I road trip up to Chi to catch the show. It's fucking electric! There are dancers and costumes, Frank on stilts 12-15 musicians and back up singers...complete Pandemonium! Several songs have been retooled and I smile for the 1st time in a month. Happy 30th Birthday indeed.
Later after the shows have been engineered and are being sold as "Liquid White Light" I see myself in a photo on the website, holding Frank up while he crowd surfs.
Poi goes on tour with The Dave Matthews Band. Because we don't know when the next Poi show is, we decide to go to the concert to get a hit of Poi Energy. Poi's set is fantastic, but like all opening acts, there is jackshit for audience there. Alessandra and I dance our asses off as do the Interpreters for the Deaf. We've never seen anything like it. After the set, Ale and I are accosted by members of the audience who have seen us shaking it, asking us who the hell that was that they just saw and were we with the band. "No we reply, but we did come to specifically to see them. We don't know DMB, but we'll give him a chance since he sold out a large outdoor venue.
5 songs in to DMB Ale and I get bored and leave.
Life goes on. I change jobs.
Note: Jesus, this is taking all day. Somebody better fucking read this.
"Natural Thing" is released in 1999. I only like 3 tracks on it. It's to House Loungy and electronic for me. It's even more radical than "Pomegranate". I don't really listen to it.
October 9, 1999 Alessandra and I get married. "Say that you'll be the one" is our first dance.
I change jobs several times and begin listening to other music, but still keeping Poi at the top of my list.
2001: "Sweeping Up the Cutting Room Floor previously unreleased studio out-takes 1987 - 1994" is released.
Meh. Some songs are only OK, but I don't find myself listening to it.
I change jobs again.
2003 I find out that Poi is finally coming back to town in support of their new album. Happy Days. It's been something like 4 years or so since a Poi show. I work right down the street from the venue, so I buy tickets at lunch and then buy the new album "With Seed Comes Fruit"
I think it's awful. It's so unPoi that I can't bear to listen to it. It's more clubby and I don't know, just so off from what I want that immediately reject it, as does Alessandra. The night of the show, we sell our tickets and decide not to go to the show. We are both very disappointed.
By 2006 I am no longer listening to the Grateful Dead and Poi Dog Pondering has nearly faded away. The Dead because now that I've been sober for 12+ years and no longer in the culture, I discovered something the rest of the world knows. They sound like shit when you aren't stoned. And as for Poi...if you don't like the what they've been putting out, and you aren't going to the shows...then you aren't reinforced in your consciousness.
And you who say that in death we will pay the dead, they can't hear a word that you say Your words are not kind, sober or giving they only put fear in the hearts of the living So put away your tongue and roll up your sleeves Pick up that shovel and bury me deep."
Around this time I discovered that I was missing out with music. I wanted to express myself so I started playing guitar. "Bury Me Deep" was one of the first songs I learned. I had a goal to write my own songs and perform in front of an audience.
Years went by and it didn't happen, though I practiced nearly every day. I just couldn't get any better. However, one night I went to an open guitar jam where everyone takes a turn teaching the group a song. I declined my turn, but was talked into giving it a try. So I taught them Bury Me Deep, then I led the group of 12 or so guys into a version where I sang it in a quavery voice. I felt empowered and could fully understand why Frank does what he does.
Things being what they were. 3 years later I gave up the guitar for drawing.
Christ man. It's like a laundry list...have you made it this far? It seemed like a good idea last night as I lay there in bed after the show. What show? Read on.
2006 saw Alessandra in Brasil visiting her family and me on my own for 2 weeks. I saw that Poi was coming to STLs newest swank venue The Pageant. I decided to rally my friends Sappo and Kevin to go to the show. It had been so long since I saw Poi, I had to go. So I paid my 20 skins and went.
Oh no! It was a stripped down version of Poi with only 4 people. Crap. Poi has a fat sound. You've got congas and drums and shakers, a violin, backup singers, saxophones, the works. This was 3 core members and I think a drummer. It was a crippled Poi at a fraction of the power...They didn't even fill the place. In Chicago they can easily draw 1000+, but STL only a couple hundred. An hour into the show Frank started noodling Electronic House. I left early greatly saddened.
2007 Recently we bought a portable hard drive for all our music. 80 Gigs filled to brim, but when I needed some space for file transport. Poi was one of the first things I dumped after The Grateful Dead. It had been a long time since I listened to them. I would skip the tracks whenever they popped up on random.
2008 April. I was running errands and on a whim I grabbed "Wishing Like A Mountain Thinking Like the Sea" for the cd player. "Hey. I thought to myself. This is a pretty good album it holds up." Then the next day, driving out to my sister's house Alessandra and I listened to Wishing again and lamented the lack of Poi in our lives.
Just before the end a great efflorescence A plead to the will of the sea A great soul collective Painters pile paint upon paint Losing themselves to get what they see Enshrouded in a cocoon of doom And then set freeYouTube- Jack Ass Ginger
May 2008 I happen to see in our local "alt" paper that Poi is playing next week. Wait, they have a new album? Wait, it's sort of a return to an earlier era, not quite, but sort of? I run the idea past Alessandra. I could honestly go either way. She says yes, she does indeed want to go and I am very trepidatious . I don't tell any of my friends. Tickets are bought, but we can't find the album around here anywhere.
Last night we get to the show when the doors open. We want a table because of Alessandra's fibroid (Named Junior). As we are going down the stairs we run full into Frank watching the CDs. Ale starts talking to him. Tables are being snatched away. I say "Hi" and hustle off to snag the last table.
Later I go back to Frank (who doesn't know me...obviously) and tell him about the concert I went to after my dad died. It's funny, because the guy has no idea how much his music entwined in my life. Look at all this shit above. Me and the music were like that (crosses fingers), then had a falling out.
Frank looks older, and puffier. Cherubic with thinning hair, his voice rough. I was concerned that it was played and that it wouldn't be up to snuff for the show. I wish I could have told him how much his music meant to me over the years, but I'm sure he has heard it before.
It was a full on Poi show with 9 members on stage. The violinist had taken off for a family emergency, but fucking rocked! It reminded me of my very first show seen back in the old Blue Note. With that one exception in 2006, Frank and co have always put on a first class show. At one point they dispensed with the set list and began taking requests, even willing to fuck up a song or two due to lack of practice. It was sweet. The new songs, the new album. They're good. Good and Real
So today, after a long slog of typing, after a gap of many years. I am once again filled with Poi Energy.
I've been putting off the personal post for weeks because again, there's been no coherent events worth actually posting about that wouldn't fit in a Twitter post, so I saved em up for a mishmash of a Sunday Morning Post.
In no particular order:
I am officiating a wedding in Salt Lake City next weekend. We are flying in to Boulder and driving with our friends: Doctors J and Feelgood and their daughter Sophie (an under-under Grad). We are sharing a room and I assured them that even though Sophie is only 1 year old it will be no problem. Ale and I are excited because it's a gathering of friends who have moved away from STL who haven't gathered in years. I'm expecting lots of much needed laughter.
Health Issues After experiencing a lot of pelvic pain for months, Alessandra had laparoscopy where it was discovered she has a 2x2" fibroid behind her uterus as well as spots of endometriosis. The endo was removed, the fibroid is still there and it will be 6 months until we find out what is going to happen with that little fucker. She could take medicine to shrink it, but apparently there is a huge chance that the "cure" is worse than the problem and could have permanent side-effects. Key word: Lupron
Work This is a complex issue. I don't dislike my job, and I don't dislike my boss (he's quite a nice guy. Unskilled in social, extremely smart and observant, but nice.) but both kind of bug me.
My job is to build a web site with lots of moving parts, unfortunately I have don't have access to 50% of my code because it's locked up either by our IT department or by our new Search Engine Provider. It's like being asked to build a car without either the manual, the necessary parts and being told that the headlights have to go in the front when you really need them to go on the side. So thats kind of frustrating. My boss while nice, likes to stand by me looking at the code I do have, and he invades the crap out my personal space. And when he's smacking away on gum while in my personal space, I want to scream and/or push him away. But I think the job itself is going well enough. Edwardsville though, still weirds me out. Also the daily 60 mile round trip is playing hell with our cars. I've always worked only 5 minutes from my house, the 1/2 each way across crappy always under construction Missouri highways and crappier cheesegrater through swamp and ghetto highways has already cost me 1 windshield and put a total of 6 6! chips and chunks taken out of the windshields of both cars.
Media Rodeo
Across the Universe: Fucking Awful. John, if you are reading this, you were right to refuse to watch this. While I am not against musicals nor covering another bands tunes in your own style, when it's done right (Hayseed Dixie, Dred Zeppelin) your ear and imagination are enlarged, but when it's done wrong it's a fucking train wreck.
Coupling: a show from the UK that ran from 2000-2004. Similar in character structure to Friends but about 5000x funnier, sexier and racier. Put it on your Netflix Queue today.
BSG & Lost
Still the best shows on TV today, pretty much the only things I look forward to watching. I don't have a lot of time for TDS and Colbert.
Pandora Radio. I have no idea how I lived without this. Too bad my internet at work is so godawful slow, so I can only listen to this from time to time.
Leftovers I'm trying to hit the Boot Camp 2-3 times a week as time permits. It kicks my ass, but it seems to be working. I finally went for a bike ride yesterday and I noticed that while my cycling muscles weren't up to snuff, my cardio fucking rocked.
The 100 eyes project As I continue to learn to draw, I found a few good books on-line to really instruct me on drawing. There are so many different ways to learn to draw (most of the books miss what I think is critical information), but I am still trying to draw every day. So one book really nails down the anatomy and how to draw it, so I'm working my way through that book. The first thing is eyes and I put it into my head to draw 100 eyes before I move on to the mouth. I think 100 is pretty excessive, so maybe when I get to mouths it will be 50-75, but still. even at 35, my eyes are only "OK" so perhaps its a good thing.
I ran up to a comic store right up the street from my office today to pick up the final issue of Y: The Last Man. It was a very satisfying ending, but for reasons I cannot tell you here (lest I spoil it), I feel at the moment, as if I had been kicked in the stomach, and am sad.
I urge you all to read this fantastic series.
What's it about? Something kills the male of every mammal on earth except for Yorick Brown and his pet monkey Ampersand. Sound like a Paradise? It's not. In fact that's just the beginning of this action-packed, thoughtful, humorous and ultimately emotional story of Yorick and his companions as they search for the answer of "Why did this happen, and can we save the life on Earth?" All this while running from some very real threats that want to make sure Yorick Brown takes a dirt nap.
I've always wished for a job where I would be very lightly supervised, with a light work load and generally left alone by my coworkers. So now I have it, and I am bored, bored, bored! I don't talk to anyone at my office nearly all day, and my boss is often out of town. There is no one in my wing of the building, it's heavenly. But by the end of the day, I have lost the capacity for speech. It's weird. There is no one at the office I can even relate to if I wanted to talk to people.
Circling the drain
Pinky, our betta, has been dying for 3 weeks. I was all for euthanizing him last week when by putting his bowl in the cold (it hit 70 today), I decided to value his little pink life instead. If I can value a that of a turkey I was going to eat, I can do the same for a fish. we've bought all kinds of fish meds and keep changing his water, but he just ain't improving. He hasn't eaten in 2.5 weeks. Come on fish, shit or get off the pot! Get well or die already. Your struggle for life is inconveniencing my emotions.
Spinning Wheels
I used my birthday money, Christmas bonus, Gift money and some extra funds to purchase a new road bike. I lose 13lbs of metal by switching bikes.
The Secret Late Night Thought Was very personal and true for moment I thought it. Too raw, I cannot bring myself to write it here.
Today I was offered a job as Web Developer for a web travel company. I was recruited by Kelly IT who found me on Monster.com. Oddly enough, this is the first time I've ever heard of anyone actually getting a job through Monster. This company wanted me because I am a Graphic Generalist and know a little bit of everything with the capacity to go deeper if needed.
I will be a department of 1 working in conjunction with a dept. of 3 in who work for another branch of the office, directly under the CEO and 2 VPs.
I'm certain I will be doing these things: Formatting documents to work on the web, creating websites within certain design parameters using CSS, photo-retouching, text editing and correction on the website, creating Flash animations.
Things I will most likely be doing later on: learning some scripting code for web and Flash, editing video/audio, creating e-learning modules so the sales reps can train on-line.
Right now there is a huge backlog of work to be done, and they want me to be the guy to do it. I suspect the work will be challenging enough to keep me interested at pay level I would call, "Getting there," but still more than I've made previously. It's not an issue. I do, however, have to dress business casual, i.e. no T-shirts (blank or otherwise), no shorts or jeans. So I did a little shopping today, I refuse to wear collared "golf shirts" (have BAD associations with those, and look doofy in them), so I'm gonna snazz it up a bit, and wear button downs.
I really don't want to make a big deal about it, because I'm going to go in, sit down, make nice and do the job in front me to the best of my ability.
A message to friends. Alessandra's dad is having open heart surgery today. So please send your good will/positive healing vibes and/or prayers his way.
Thanks.
UpdateSurgery is completed and was successful. Cesar is now in intensive care and on a breathing machine for a bit. They will turn it off later and see how he does on his own. The first 12 hours are critical.
I was thinking yesterday about a few words. "Sass", "Sauce" and "Zazz" because I had gotten into a discussion about the difference between the first two with Alessandra, and I was trying to come up with good examples of people who were sassy and/or saucy. So while I was reflecting on it yesterday during a bike ride, I also decided to add "Zazz" (short for pizzazz i.e.Dazzling style; flamboyance; flair.) to that list.
And I can't think of any better example of all three words used at the same time to describe my mom, whose birthday is today!
Happy Birthday to the Sassiest, Sauciest and Zazziest mom I know! We love you very much.
Also celebrating a birthday this week is my stepfather Alan.
Here he is (to the right of Donald O'Connor) in Francis Goes to West Point. I was going to post a youTube, but the resolution sucked, so I went for the screen cap. Alan had a speaking role, and that was pretty much it for him and Hollywood. So when you wonder who those nameless spear carriers (or mule walkers) are in the old B&W Talkies...well, now you know.
Happy Birthday to A Grand Old Man! We love you very much.
After being told repeatedly by my placement agency that "everyone thinks you are doing a great job" and "everybody really likes you" at the place I'm working; today I received news that the client was terminating my all too brief temporary production gig at their company.
Apparently I made some comments which they said didn't jibe with their idea of a full time employee and they felt I didn't belong there.
What were these comments? When asked, the placement representative said that I referred to the Color Correction guy as "competition." and another comment was made about my disappointment that hours were being taken away from me and given to the said Color Correction guy.
Yes, that's it. The only thing I apparently said. That's what told them I was not T_ material. Despite the fact this guy was in fact working on my jobs while I was asked not to come in, and mentioning it was grounds for dismissal.
I can clearly see that this was a result of relaxing my guard around some people. I mentioned in my April 23 post "it's almost like they are treating me like a regular, but I can't forget I'm the temp because if that happens, you can bet something is going to turn around and bite me on the ass." I did and look what happened.
All I can think of is the only woman I told my concerns to (as well as telling her how much I hoped I could be brought in full time), is the same woman who totally bagged on the place, told me that I didn't want to work there and said she was looking for another job because she hated being there. She's the only one I had this discussion with.
But I don't know. I'm not a fucking watchmaker, I can't see the mechanism that works behind the dial and I can't read anything into it, nor make any judgement calls because I really don't know who fingered me.
All I know is I'm totally reeling about today. I was on super-good behavior too! I was stepping up and taking responsibility for going above the duty of a standard temp, smiling to everyone, bringing in music to the mp3 archive, donating props to photo shoots, helping the Intern. I was hoping to go full time and now I'm back on the couch with a phone in my hand.
I sent them a their parking passes back with a nice thank you letter, and it is sincere. I'm totally baffled. This really fucking sucks.
Whoosh! I make the jump, and it's a good day: I am focused, ready and busy deftly resizing ads, color correcting images, recreating copy blocks and solving problems presented. I am thanked and complimented on my eye and my speed, by the folks who seem pretty nice. I eat lunch with several of them, and am please they are not standoffish towards the Temp.
I am one of two up for the job, and tomorrow my competitor gets his day, he has a financial advance over me in that he their freelance guy, and I'm the placement agency guy, so if they go with me, it will cost them more. Had they only answered my email a week sooner they would have known me before calling the agency, but as it is, since the agency got my foot in the door they get the find.
I heard that the guy who replaced me at my last job, came from the place I want to go. He is unhappy in my old position, and wants to come back but they won't take him because he doesn't have the skills. At first I was pleased with Schafenfreude, but then I realized that most of the people in the creative end of the Biz are quite nice, and while it paid ok, I wouldn't wish my old job on anyone. They claim, "There's no 'jerk' in team." and neglect the fact that the technically the owner is not ON the team that he owns by definition. But that's just being bitter. Can I fault the Sucker who replaced me at the Sucker job? No.
And while I was busy, it was a "day flying by" kind of busy. I've been bored silly for the last 6 months if not longer, so I could really use some more of those days, especially if they pay well.
Life is moving along, but unfortunately I'm currently not at liberty to reveal Jackshit about the current doings for a while, so I'll just be posting things I find interesting.
On Tuesdays I don't have to go to work until noon because I work until 8-8:30.
Have you ever stepped up to do somthing nice for someone without any hesitation, help lift their burden for a few minutes, felt good about it, then only later said, "I fucking agreed to do what?" That's how I ended up driving an additional 5.5 hours last night putting in the first of 3 12 hour days this week. The only part that made is bearable is that I didn't have to listen to too much Hip Hop and reserved the right to change the station when there was an annoying song.
I'm increasingly coming to believe that I don't belong where I am currently working. There are 4 of us in an office and I let myself believe that I would be given near equal partnership and a voice in the organization, but the reality is I am an Administrative Assistant with 3 bosses who give contradictory instructions, will not let me incorporate my ideas into the program (money making coffee table book / t-shirts), I'm not allowed to interact with the kids during the workshops, I don't get to talk to the artists. It's just not the environment I hoped it would be.
Since I don't like driving my extra income is being lost so...I need to rethink my options in order to keep up my end of the bills here.
