No Touch Monkey!

By now, you should know that me, Cap'n Marrrrk is Hypermediated. Sometimes I feel like Mr. Universe in the movie Serenity, but that's just a character, and it's totally impossible to know then entire MediaSphere.

Case in point, last night, Friday Night...I was working on some freelance that finally came my way, Ale was knitting, and we had the tube on as background. VH1 was showing "The 40 Biggest Internet Superstars of All Time." It kind of weirded me out. No, not kind of, definitely weirded me out. Why? Because of the 40, I'd only heard of a handful. If they are so fucking big, why haven't I heard of them?

Then I realized that what they are "Superstars" of is pretty fucking stupid. With the exception of the OK Go treadmill video (which I had heard of, and dug the song), most people were just sort of dumb ass little viral YouTube clip, which contained some sort of mystery charm. Yet they are granted Superstar status by the fact that millions of people have watched their clip, most of which contained very much less setup than the Mentos Diet Coke guys (which I've seen but only once).

Equally weird, was that as VH1 interviewed these Superstars (who the fuck is Tia Tiquilla? Do I care enough to even spell her name right?), who all know of their brethren Superstars and are expected to comment on them.

It was a Circle Jerk of enormous proportions, on that speaks of fame as being far less than 15 minutes, as striking anyone, anywhere, at any time of a quality that falls far, far FAR short of comedic standards that are required to make me laugh or even gain my attention. Lip Synchers, Baby Dancers, Bogus Cam Girls, Alien-looking Hoochies, Old Man Ranters, Child Guidos and the rest you losers, get the fuck out.

Bring me some quality entertainment. I really haven't got all fucking day.

Labels: bullshit, HyperMedia, The Man

Oprah's ugly secret | Salon Life: "By continuing to hawk 'The Secret,' a mishmash of offensive self-help cliches, Oprah Winfrey is squandering her goodwill and influence, and preaching to the world that mammon is queen."

If you put that routine between hard covers, you'd have "The Secret," the self-help manifesto and bottle of minty-fresh snake oil currently topping the bestseller lists. "The Secret" espouses a "philosophy" patched together by an Australian talk-show producer named Rhonda Byrne. Though "The Secret" unabashedly appropriates and mishmashes familiar self-help clichés, it was still the subject of two recent episodes of "The Oprah Winfrey Show" featuring a dream team of self-help gurus, all of whom contributed to the project.

The main idea of "The Secret" is that people need only visualize what they want in order to get it -- and the book certainly has created instant wealth, at least for Rhonda Byrne and her partners-in-con. And the marketing idea behind it -- the enlisting of that dream team, in what is essentially a massive, cross-promotional pyramid scheme -- is brilliant. But what really makes "The Secret" more than a variation on an old theme is the involvement of Oprah Winfrey, who lends the whole enterprise more prestige, and, because of that prestige, more venality, than any previous self-help scam. Oprah hasn't just endorsed "The Secret"; she's championed it, put herself at the apex of its pyramid, and helped create a symbiotic economy of New Age quacks that almost puts OPEC to shame.

Why "venality"? Because, with survivors of Auschwitz still alive, Oprah writes this about "The Secret" on her Web site, "the energy you put into the world -- both good and bad -- is exactly what comes back to you. This means you create the circumstances of your life with the choices you make every day." "Venality," because Oprah, in the age of AIDS, is advertising a book that says, "You cannot 'catch' anything unless you think you can, and thinking you can is inviting it to you with your thought." "Venality," because Oprah, from a studio within walking distance of Chicago's notorious Cabrini Green Projects, pitches a book that says, "The only reason any person does not have enough money is because they are blocking money from coming to them with their thoughts." More

I remember when I used to believe this shit with all my heart, but then I discovered that it doesn't work and it's a bunch of crap. I was happier then, and I am not now, but I think I'm better off.

Labels: balloon popping, bullshit, stupid-people, The Man

The Kearny, New Jersey school district has banned the secret recording of teachers after a student taped his history teacher preaching in class months ago.

District officials say all teachers there will get mandatory training on the separation of church and state.

This all stems from Kearny High School junior Matthew LaClair secretly recorded his teacher David Paszkiewicz preaching to students that they belonged in hell if they rejected Jesus.

The history teacher, according to officials, also told students that Noah's ark carried dinosaurs and that evolution and Big Bang theories were not scientific.

School officials say they took "corrective action" against Paszkiewicz, but further details haven't been released.

via WABC-TV

Labels: bullshit, stupid-people, The Man

I'm totally running behind.
Two held after ad campaign triggers Boston bomb scare

This is an example of what the fear mongering has done. Looking at it, it's nothing to even think twice about. Yet some people got scared and called it in as a terrorist threat. Subways and roads were shut down. Traffic backed up. Total Pandemonium.

And now that the officals have been shown to look foolish they are backlashing with every legal move they can make. Listen to these quotes:

"The devices displayed a "Mooninite" -- an outer-space delinquent who makes frequent appearances on the cartoon -- greeting passersby with an upraised middle finger. But the discovery of nine of the light boards around Boston and its suburbs sent bomb squads scrambling throughout the day, snarling traffic and mass transit in one of the largest U.S. cities.

"It had a very sinister appearance," Coakley told reporters. "It had a battery behind it, and wires."

But Coakley, Boston Mayor Thomas Menino and others said the statement offering an apology was not enough, and did not rule out criminal charges or a civil suit to recover the estimated hundreds of thousands of dollars it cost the city to respond to the bomb scares.

"I just think this is outrageous, what they've done ... It's all about corporate greed." Jesus. It's advertising, trying to get people into see a movie. That's not corporate greed. Honestly, you are all being completely ridiculous

...Boston Police Commissioner Edward Davis called it "unconscionable" that the marketing campaign was executed in a post 9/11 era. "It's a foolish prank on the part of Turner Broadcasting," he said. "In the environment nowadays ... we really have to look at the motivation of the company here and why this happened."

...Rep. Ed Markey, a Boston-area congressman, said, "Whoever thought this up needs to find another job."

..."Scaring an entire region, tying up the T and major roadways, and forcing first responders to spend 12 hours chasing down trinkets instead of terrorists is marketing run amok," Markey, a Democrat, said in a written statement. "It would be hard to dream up a more appalling publicity stunt."

Labels: bullshit, pranks, stupid-people