No Touch Monkey!

For the low price of $47 dollars I can learn how not to masturbate.

We got pressure to withdraw this course from sale earlier this year from the "adult" industry. As you probably know the adult industry is making billions of dollars every year and is considered the most powerful online business...We can't guarantee that this course will remain online forever, grab the opportunity

Yes, watch out Pornography Industry. That little anti-masturbation mosquito has Encephalitis. Soon you'll be out of business. Aahahahahahahah!

When they pry it out of my cold dead hands....

Labels: Ahahahahaha

No he just fainted.



See? You can learn something new everyday by reading No Touch Monkey.

Labels: Ahahahahaha

I don't know why this was made, but it sure does make me laugh.

Labels: Ahahahahaha

An ad for Springy Pogo Boots for sale in the U.K. with hilarious ending "(We're not kidding—it gets Itchy & Scratchy violent without warning at the end.)"



via Consumerist via MeFi

Labels: Ahahahahaha

Alessandra and I have been watching Slacker Cats on ABC Family. I think it's hilarious, but sometimes I have to wonder about myself. Like most good shows, the funniest characters are the secondary ones. Like Tabitha.

Labels: Ahahahahaha

Sung to the tune or REM's It's the end of the world as we know it.

Labels: Ahahahahaha

I was down at the movie theater watching Caveman repeatedly.

Luckily for me I own it on DVD. You should add it to your Netflix queue. Ringo Starr plays Atook who is driven out of his tribe and must make his way in a cruel, savage land, while discovering and inventing a lot of important shit along the way.



Music is discovered.



Blind Caveman Hilarity

Labels: Ahahahahaha, Newwwww Wave, Worth your time

Labels: Ahahahahaha

I got a letter from my insurance company last week asking for my doctor's proof that I am taking some medication for it's intended purpose and not for cosmetic reasons. It turns out that not only does Avodart shrink your Prostate, but it also promotes hair growth in men with male pattern baldness, apparently better than Propecia.



Eleven years go I chopped off my shoulder length hair because my friend Kevin told me it looked like a comb over, and I've been competely shorn for the past 4 years at least. I've gotten used to it and enjoy slapping my bald head.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about using medical treatment to improve one's looks. I got a nose job in '87 to fix my Hebrew Honker and in '88 I had my jaw reset to fix an underbite (another reason I don't want to pass my genes along), but the hair...well that's just stereotypical male vanity. I would never ask a doctor to hook me up. But would I turn down a freebie?
Shining


Oddly enough, before I discovered this, I noticed on a lower level of consciousness that over the past few weeks that it seemed like my hair growth on a shaving day seemed more like 5 days than it's usual 3, but I just wrote it off.

Since I've been very busy at work, I asked Alessandra to visualize how I would look if I did indeed actually grew hair, then let it grow out.

She likes this one.



But I think the sad fact would be this one.



I have a great dome. I think I'll keep it nice and shiny.

Plattner Dreams:

She asks me why
I'm just a hairy guy
I'm hairy noon and night
Hair that's a fright
I'm hairy high and low
Don't ask me why
Don't know
It's not for lack of break
Like the Grateful Dead
Darling

Gimme head with hair
Long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming,
Streaming, flaxen, waxen

Give me down to there hair
Shoulder length or longer
Here baby, there mama
Everywhere daddy daddy

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

Let it fly in the breeze
And get caught in the trees
Give a home to the fleas in my hair
A home for fleas
A hive for bees
A nest for birds
There ain't no words
For the beauty, the splendor, the wonder
Of my...

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy
Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty
Oily, greasy, fleecy
Shining, gleaming, streaming
Flaxen, waxen
Knotted, polka-dotted
Twisted, beaded, braided
Powdered, flowered, and confettied
Bangled, tangled, spangled, and spaghettied!

Oh say can you see
My eyes if you can
Then my hair's too short

Down to here
Down to there
Down to where
It stops by itself

They'll be ga ga at the go go
When they see me in my toga
My toga made of blond
Brilliantined
Biblical hair

My hair like Jesus wore it
Hallelujah I adore it
Hallelujah Mary loved her son
Why don't my mother love me?

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

Labels: Ahahahahaha, Too Much Information

Have you ever been to Missouri? It's like an ingrown hair on America's 'taint'.

Daily Show 6/12/07

Yes Sam you are correct. And it's the first time I actually laughed at a sentence with the word "taint" in it.

Labels: Ahahahahaha, Media

Child's play makes mess of elaborate sand mandala

"Kansas City, Mo. - The little boy spotted the pretty pile of colored sand on the floor of the vast hall and couldn't resist.

Slipping under a protective rope, he danced all over the sand, ruining the carefully crafted picture.

Never mind that it was the creation of eight Tibetan monks who had spent two days cross- legged on the floor of Union Station, meticulously pouring the sand into an intricate design as an expression of their Buddhist faith.

They were more than halfway done with the design - called a mandala - on Tuesday when they ended their work for the day and left. The little boy showed up sometime later with his mother, who was taking a package to a post office.

'He did a little Sand Painting tap dance on it, completely destroying it,' said Lama Chuck Stanford of the Rime Buddhist Center in Kansas City.

Link to Sand Dancing Video

That's worth a "Hahahaha", but an "OH NO! too. At least the monks have cultivated the mindset of the fleeting nature of art, so it was no big loss.

Labels: Ahahahahaha, Aww Man

Looks like we have our answer.



Yeah Jerry, 9/11 is the fault of the ACLU, Gays, Lesbians & Pagans.

Hi ho, Hi Ho it's off to Hell you go.

Labels: Ahahahahaha

On our way out to see "Chicago-The Musical" at the Fox Theater tonight, our local community radio station was doing a show on American Masters. Tonights episode was Tom Lehrer. I'd never heard of him, and I'm too damn lazy to post a link to anything other than an amusing Flash movie set to one of his songs Poisoning Pigeons in the Park, but for me, this definitely deserves a follow up.

Labels: Ahahahahaha, Worth your time

It must be deflating when your best isn't good enough...

Just ask Zoidberg

Labels: Ahahahahaha, Hot Cha Cha Cha Cha, Worth your time

Alessandra wants a small dog to carry around with her, but we cannot afford one right now, or she's not looking hard enough, or the right one didn't come along...or something... So instead she bought some dog sweaters that were on sale and put them on Lola. A great big laugh from us ensued, as well as some photos that can be found here.

Labels: Ahahahahaha, Cats, Wife

Really, just fantatsic. If it were mine, the audio would be filled with me laughing maniacally.

Labels: Ahahahahaha, Worth your time

Edited for hilarity:

DENVER - One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual."

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday's edition.

"He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

Haggard resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals last year after allegations of sexual misconduct surfaced. He was also forced out from the 14,000 New Life Church that he founded years ago in his basement after Jones alleged Haggard paid him for sex and sometimes used methamphetamine when they were together. Haggard, who is married, has publicly admitted to "sexual immorality."

Haggard said in an e-mail Sunday, his first communication in three months to church members, that he and his wife, Gayle, plan to pursue master's degrees in psychology. The e-mail said the family hasn't decided where to move but that they were considering Missouri and Iowa. Oh please not Missouri.

Another oversight board member, the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster, said the group recommended the move out of town and the Haggards agreed.

It was also the oversight board that strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work.

Labels: Ahahahahaha, Homosexual Priests, Hypocrites