Downstairs in my in-laws basement is the first four books or so of The Foxfire Book Series. This led me to think back when I was an early teen and remembered that I wanted to be a Mountain Man when I grew up. Yep, just like Grizzly Adams, I wanted to ditch civilization and live off the natural bounties of the land, but I had to learn how to do so. So I bought a couple of thick wools sweaters that kept me warm in negative temperatures sans coat and a survival book. But I didn't live in Colorado, so I didn't have any place to learn to build a log cabin.
Eventually I discovered that it would have taken me years to grow up and become a mountain man. Far too long to keep my interest. But I am reminded of the other careers and personnas I had wanted to be when I grew up as seen through the eyes of a younger me. Of course no one ever told how to become what I wanted to be, or even the what the spectrum of jobs was. All adults ask children, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Honestly...how the fuck should they know? Aside from Doctor, Actor, or Pilot, the range is too broad.
Anyway, in a few minutes of reflection here is a list of the kinds of people I wanted to be when I grew up. In vaguely particular order:
Jetboat Racer/Rocket Car pilot: Man, I so wanted to be blasting across the salt flats in a rocket powered jet car. Slap on some skis and you can fly across the water. It didn't matter. I wanted to go, and go fast.
Astronaut: I was 2.5 years old during the moon landing. If I try real hard, I can manufacture a memory for that day that may or may not be true. So at the time, there were a lot of astronaut toys, and lets face it, the space suit is cool. Wait you have to go to school and learn Math? awwwww
Boy Adventurer: Preferably in Japan with a Giant Robot, or with a real cool jumping car. Anything kind of job which entailed a jet pack and a bubble helmet. Which led to...
Boy S.W.A.T. team captain: "Go! Go! Go!" Too cool. So what if I'd never fired a gun. I wanted the M-16, the bullet proof vest, the shoulder mounted microphone, a featureless van, a team of boy snipers at my command, and the nickname, "Hondo."
Guitar Player in a family Rock n' Roll band. It was all the rage at the time with the Brady Bunch, the Partridge Family, The Osmonds and The Jackson Five. I had it planned. My cousin Danny would play drums, my sister would be on keyboard, I played lead. My other cousins and step brother were involved but I never got so far as to figure out who played what. I played a pretty mean tennis racquet and all the girls I had crushes on would swoon when The Plattners played, "I think I love you." Sure we were a cover band, little did I know that many of the kids my age would grow up to form cover bands, and tribute bands of their own.
Paramedic: I'd actually trained for this by taking a shitload of first aid classes at the Jewish Community Center. I was ready to rescue, bind wounds, induce vomiting, and apply CPR. Unfortunately there was a distinct lack of emergencies taking place in my vicinity. So my skills (and interest) eventually atrophied.
Pyromaniac: "Little man loved fire."-Jubal Early.
Inventor Scientist: I had a huge interest in science, a chemistry set and a Radio Shack 200-In-One Experiment set, but no one to explain anything to me. So I mixed all my chemicals together and lit them on fire (Pyro) to see what would happen (nothing); tore all the circuts off of the Radio Shack breadboard, after making a lie detector, and got as far as drawing my design of an ejection seat for a Volkswagen Beetle before I gave it up. I think Math reared it's ugly head.
Mountain Man, but you already knew that.
Fine Artist: I figured that anyone could create art and get paid big bucks for it. My one attempt with a wire hangar and a pair of pliers yielded a less than aestheic piece that went directly to the trash can.
Alien Space Prince/Warrior Foundling: While not technically a profession, there was a time I was hoping every night for my real but missing space parents to come to Earth, reveal my destiny to me then take me the fuck away from here. Seriously, every night.
Magician. Did you know that manual dexterity takes years of practice? I had (have) small clumsy hands which also ruled out a career as a Pick Pocket. Sure I could have made do with canned illusions like the milk pitcher trick, and the flaming pan, but they were too expensive. I had a moment of clarity after my 8th grade talent show, that I would need big money to advance to the next tier, but for some reason it just never happened.
Karate Master/Ninja. I kept breaking my toes in karate class, and my ninja stealth/star throwing left a lot to be desired. Poor coodination does not a ninja make.
It would seem that I was training for the eventual role of Hero, but again it would seem that emergencies and evil villains were kept at bay by the banality of the suburbs. Plus I had no weapons, secret lab or body armor. My earliest rescue involved putting myself in front of a run away saucer sled heading towards a frozen lake. Unfortunately, I didn't know about Newton's First Law and we all went off the ledge, through the ice and into the drink together.
(Speaking of rescues: I got my lifeguard and swimming instructor certification so I would work the lake a girl's gymnastics camp. Thanks to seniority, I spent two weeks working in the Pottery Shop. After much begging I got to lifeguard once. On that day I got one rescue. A little girl did a flip off the high dive into the lake and belly flopped. Remembering my training, "Reach, Throw, Row, GO!" I pulled her out with a 20' pole when I could have jumped in. I leaned the pole against the high dive but it fell over and clocked another little girl 20' away right on the top of the head knocking her silly.)
Rambo/Green Arrow persona: I was very talented at archery and wanted to be an archer, but I had no boxing glove, sonic disruptor, knockout gas trick arrows to stop the crime that wasn't occurring in suburbia. I had a hay bale in the back yard I could shoot at with my bow, but the arrows kept passing through it, angling up and flying 50 feet across the street. My impressionable mind, and building teen angst bought into the Rambo propaganda. I began randomly shooting animals in my neighborhood with BB guns (sometimes .22 rifles) for a few months. It was a dark time I'm not proud of, but then I began smoking weed, became a pacifist and saw the error of my ways. Actual lunacy was touch and go for a while.
Accountant: When I was in high school, I had a mercy date fix up with a beautiful teen model. She was unimpressed with my karate friends and I believed for some reason that if I became an accountant I would become rich and she would fall in love with me. There were lots of problems with this rationale first and foremost that I could become rich as an accountant, second, that I could even become an accountant (that Math thing again), third that she would even remember me fondly past my first and last horrific date. Did I mention she lived out of town and was 16 years old but already in college? I subsequently failed HS accounting.
English Teacher: I wanted a degree in English Literature but switched to Education when I discovered a degree in Arts & Sciences involved not only College Algebra, but 3 years of foreign language to boot. Then I was bitten by the teaching bug (see Hero), got the degree, but it was either find a job in the scary (black) city schools or not teach at all. Faced with a difficult decision I to become an alcoholic instead.
Graphic Artist/3d Animation Guy. Ummm, there are a lot of reason this didn't happen, obstacles I was unable to overcome and people who actually plotted against me. Honestly, it's not paranoia if they really are out to get you. Those guys that worked against me...Karma hosed them proper when both of their wives had affairs with other men (and in one instance a woman) divorced them.
Messianic Cult Leader: I tried withGlobal Orgasm Day, but have recently been bumped by other messianic nut jobs.. I'd damn them to hell, but hey...Thou Art God. Grok steady.
Author: Done. Successful Famous and Rich Author: Hey look over there! Seriously though, many things are possible, and I'm psyching myself up to read and make another go at The Long Road. So you never know.
Stand Up Comedian: I have all the requisite ingredients: a sharp, bitter wit, a good observational eye, a smidge of self pity and a desire to be loved by the world because I'm the Mother Fucking Cap'n. What I don't have is the 10 years and thousands of miles on the road away from my wife to become an overnight sensation and that other thing, what's it called...oh yeah, balls.
Generic ending paragraph goes here. What did you want to be?
Eventually I discovered that it would have taken me years to grow up and become a mountain man. Far too long to keep my interest. But I am reminded of the other careers and personnas I had wanted to be when I grew up as seen through the eyes of a younger me. Of course no one ever told how to become what I wanted to be, or even the what the spectrum of jobs was. All adults ask children, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Honestly...how the fuck should they know? Aside from Doctor, Actor, or Pilot, the range is too broad.
Anyway, in a few minutes of reflection here is a list of the kinds of people I wanted to be when I grew up. In vaguely particular order:
Jetboat Racer/Rocket Car pilot: Man, I so wanted to be blasting across the salt flats in a rocket powered jet car. Slap on some skis and you can fly across the water. It didn't matter. I wanted to go, and go fast.
Astronaut: I was 2.5 years old during the moon landing. If I try real hard, I can manufacture a memory for that day that may or may not be true. So at the time, there were a lot of astronaut toys, and lets face it, the space suit is cool. Wait you have to go to school and learn Math? awwwww
Boy Adventurer: Preferably in Japan with a Giant Robot, or with a real cool jumping car. Anything kind of job which entailed a jet pack and a bubble helmet. Which led to...
Boy S.W.A.T. team captain: "Go! Go! Go!" Too cool. So what if I'd never fired a gun. I wanted the M-16, the bullet proof vest, the shoulder mounted microphone, a featureless van, a team of boy snipers at my command, and the nickname, "Hondo."
Guitar Player in a family Rock n' Roll band. It was all the rage at the time with the Brady Bunch, the Partridge Family, The Osmonds and The Jackson Five. I had it planned. My cousin Danny would play drums, my sister would be on keyboard, I played lead. My other cousins and step brother were involved but I never got so far as to figure out who played what. I played a pretty mean tennis racquet and all the girls I had crushes on would swoon when The Plattners played, "I think I love you." Sure we were a cover band, little did I know that many of the kids my age would grow up to form cover bands, and tribute bands of their own.
Paramedic: I'd actually trained for this by taking a shitload of first aid classes at the Jewish Community Center. I was ready to rescue, bind wounds, induce vomiting, and apply CPR. Unfortunately there was a distinct lack of emergencies taking place in my vicinity. So my skills (and interest) eventually atrophied.
Pyromaniac: "Little man loved fire."-Jubal Early.
Inventor Scientist: I had a huge interest in science, a chemistry set and a Radio Shack 200-In-One Experiment set, but no one to explain anything to me. So I mixed all my chemicals together and lit them on fire (Pyro) to see what would happen (nothing); tore all the circuts off of the Radio Shack breadboard, after making a lie detector, and got as far as drawing my design of an ejection seat for a Volkswagen Beetle before I gave it up. I think Math reared it's ugly head.
Mountain Man, but you already knew that.
Fine Artist: I figured that anyone could create art and get paid big bucks for it. My one attempt with a wire hangar and a pair of pliers yielded a less than aestheic piece that went directly to the trash can.
Alien Space Prince/Warrior Foundling: While not technically a profession, there was a time I was hoping every night for my real but missing space parents to come to Earth, reveal my destiny to me then take me the fuck away from here. Seriously, every night.
Magician. Did you know that manual dexterity takes years of practice? I had (have) small clumsy hands which also ruled out a career as a Pick Pocket. Sure I could have made do with canned illusions like the milk pitcher trick, and the flaming pan, but they were too expensive. I had a moment of clarity after my 8th grade talent show, that I would need big money to advance to the next tier, but for some reason it just never happened.
Karate Master/Ninja. I kept breaking my toes in karate class, and my ninja stealth/star throwing left a lot to be desired. Poor coodination does not a ninja make.
It would seem that I was training for the eventual role of Hero, but again it would seem that emergencies and evil villains were kept at bay by the banality of the suburbs. Plus I had no weapons, secret lab or body armor. My earliest rescue involved putting myself in front of a run away saucer sled heading towards a frozen lake. Unfortunately, I didn't know about Newton's First Law and we all went off the ledge, through the ice and into the drink together.
(Speaking of rescues: I got my lifeguard and swimming instructor certification so I would work the lake a girl's gymnastics camp. Thanks to seniority, I spent two weeks working in the Pottery Shop. After much begging I got to lifeguard once. On that day I got one rescue. A little girl did a flip off the high dive into the lake and belly flopped. Remembering my training, "Reach, Throw, Row, GO!" I pulled her out with a 20' pole when I could have jumped in. I leaned the pole against the high dive but it fell over and clocked another little girl 20' away right on the top of the head knocking her silly.)
Rambo/Green Arrow persona: I was very talented at archery and wanted to be an archer, but I had no boxing glove, sonic disruptor, knockout gas trick arrows to stop the crime that wasn't occurring in suburbia. I had a hay bale in the back yard I could shoot at with my bow, but the arrows kept passing through it, angling up and flying 50 feet across the street. My impressionable mind, and building teen angst bought into the Rambo propaganda. I began randomly shooting animals in my neighborhood with BB guns (sometimes .22 rifles) for a few months. It was a dark time I'm not proud of, but then I began smoking weed, became a pacifist and saw the error of my ways. Actual lunacy was touch and go for a while.
Accountant: When I was in high school, I had a mercy date fix up with a beautiful teen model. She was unimpressed with my karate friends and I believed for some reason that if I became an accountant I would become rich and she would fall in love with me. There were lots of problems with this rationale first and foremost that I could become rich as an accountant, second, that I could even become an accountant (that Math thing again), third that she would even remember me fondly past my first and last horrific date. Did I mention she lived out of town and was 16 years old but already in college? I subsequently failed HS accounting.
English Teacher: I wanted a degree in English Literature but switched to Education when I discovered a degree in Arts & Sciences involved not only College Algebra, but 3 years of foreign language to boot. Then I was bitten by the teaching bug (see Hero), got the degree, but it was either find a job in the scary (black) city schools or not teach at all. Faced with a difficult decision I to become an alcoholic instead.
Graphic Artist/3d Animation Guy. Ummm, there are a lot of reason this didn't happen, obstacles I was unable to overcome and people who actually plotted against me. Honestly, it's not paranoia if they really are out to get you. Those guys that worked against me...Karma hosed them proper when both of their wives had affairs with other men (and in one instance a woman) divorced them.
Messianic Cult Leader: I tried withGlobal Orgasm Day, but have recently been bumped by other messianic nut jobs.. I'd damn them to hell, but hey...Thou Art God. Grok steady.
Author: Done. Successful Famous and Rich Author: Hey look over there! Seriously though, many things are possible, and I'm psyching myself up to read and make another go at The Long Road. So you never know.
Stand Up Comedian: I have all the requisite ingredients: a sharp, bitter wit, a good observational eye, a smidge of self pity and a desire to be loved by the world because I'm the Mother Fucking Cap'n. What I don't have is the 10 years and thousands of miles on the road away from my wife to become an overnight sensation and that other thing, what's it called...oh yeah, balls.
Generic ending paragraph goes here. What did you want to be?
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