No Touch Monkey!

shawn barber Copyright 2008

Holy Cow! Are these works stellar! They just take my breath away. Just...wow.

Labels: Art, NSFW, tattooed chicks, Worth your time

Facts: I work 30 miles from my office in another state for a company of 300 people, spread out in 4 buildings over 2 towns. I took a blood test week ago last tuesday, and I was running late for work w/o breakfast so I ate at McDonald's near my house (where I first saw the painting in the post below).

While waiting in line, a teenage girl asked if I could take a picture with her friend. "Sure, ok."

How surprised do you think I was when not 10 minutes after posting today's link, as I'm leaving for lunch, a co-worker tells me that she saw a picture of me on her son's, girlfriend's Facebook, site?

Pretty Damn Surprised.

Labels: weird

Click to enlarge

I saw this painting last week and I was struck by...something about it. I think it's supposed to be whimsy, but in my mind comes across as a deliberate attempt to rewrite history. Look, "The People" are undereducated enough as it is. Do we really need an extra-discreet piece of misinformation lodged in our heads?

Labels: Fuck The Man, The Man

If you are a regular visitor to NTM!, you will know that from time to time I get the urge to eat a baby. I mean, I hate the little fuckers (not yours of course...little angel) for all the diseases they spread. Toughen your immune system my ass! And of course I really wouldn't actually eat a baby, I mean talk about having to scour your pans and mop the counters...

So that said:


M-M_M! That's Good Baby.

Found at Cake Wrecks via Neatorama

We did get our cancellation notice in within the 3 days and we are out of the "contract". They come to replace our system and fix us up again with ADT in early August.

Fuck you APX

Labels: The Cap'n

While I was searching my Google Reader over my Cheerios I came across this image at ffffound.com. I have a beat up, water damaged, signed print of this in my basement office. Unfortunately because it's beat up, and water damaged it resides under the glass on my computer desk in my "office" buried under discs, dust and junk. Still though. I love this picture and it makes me happy to look at it.

There is some question as to what is going on in the picture, but I've never really thought too deeply about it as I like it because it looks like the trippy fish are having a good time.

Labels: Things and Stuff

I was just surfing this morning when I came across this very interesting post over at Something Awful. Share and enjoy.

A beginner's journey into the wild world of keeping honeybees

Q: Why are there guys installing an alarm system in my house at 10 pm?

A: Because a representative of APX Alarms told Alessandra he was there to "upgrade" our system, and it was only when he was nearly done was it revealed we were changing alarm companies.

What?
Apparently that's the MO of APX Alarms whose marketing people travel around the US tricking people into switching their alarm service to theirs.

See Apx alarm scam

I wasn't home at the time, but when I arrived I was introduced to the guy who was there to upgrade our system.

It was only when we set out to finalize the paperwork that we figured it out that they were going to charge us $10 more a month for their service (even though we got a new battery, smoke detector).

Since we were hesitant to tell him "No, rip this stuff out" because the guys were nearly done installing the equipment, the guy offered to pay us $240 to cover the what we would have paid extra over 2 years.

I have to admit to cognitive dissonance paralysis as I didn't know what to make of the whole scenario. The guy talked us into a 3 year contract (which is what we had had with ATD), but hey we got some extra key fob remotes, and a check for $240 bucks.

By the time we were done and everything had been installed, Alessandra and I felt as if we were victims of a hit and run. This is the interesting part we were told that we could try it out for a week then switch back, but after calling the company we were told we actually only had 3 days to cancel the service with no fees. It didn't help us that the guy was in his early 20s, friendly and willing to shell out what we thought was part of his commission in order to get us to sign. Unfortunately he also spoke Portuguese and had spent 2 years in Brazil as part of a church group (so he heard Alessandra talking to the friends that were over about whether it was a scam or not).

Needless to say we did that first thing this morning with both of faxing the form in from our places of business.

I hate to say this, but it's true. There are times when anyone can get steamrolled by anyone. That's what the science of sales does, it bypasses the brain and the next thing you know, you're fucked in the ass. Of course he told us about the fee while the guys were hard at work, I felt like an ass thinking about asking the guys doing the work to go and put it all back especially since Hey, we're getting a smoke detector bonus AND a cellular phone out to the monitoring service, plus...a lighted sign to put in front of the house.

Luckily there is an escape clause in the contract or we'd be hosed like so many others, contractually bound for 2500-5000 dollars to get out. We don't have that kind of cash on hand.

So the moral of the story is, if anyone comes to your house to upgrade your system. Tell em, "Sorry Dude, Cap'n Marrrrk says you're a fraud."

Meanwhile we feel like dopes, but dopes smart enough to hopefully opt out on time.

Less than 20 rides with the new bike and I've already broken it. It does amuse me though how it happened:

Sunday I was out riding with my friend Sapo and we were down by the Anheuser-Busch Brewery. I was reflecting about the Inbev buyout (not yet happened) and I was thinking about a lot of those smug AB suits I've met in my time possibly losing their jobs. Sorry, sometimes I'm petty, and while I understand not all AB guys are smug, there are some guys who have been douchie towards me and my coworkers over the years, and I wouldn't mind seeing them out on their asses.

So while I was thinking about this, I took a corner too fast, my thin road bike rear tire slid out from behind me and I found myself bouncing off the pavement with only a scrape and a small strawberry to show for it. Lucky me.

The bike looked fine until I went for a ride yesterday when my deraillur (the gear changing mechanism) snapped off while I was ascending a hill and got tangled up in my spokes.

Luckily I was not too far from home, so I hefted my bike over my shoulder and walked it.

Now the shameful part. I was hoping that the deraillur was still under warranty so I took it to the bike shop hoping for a free fixey. I didn't want to admit that I fell off my bike, but unfortunately, the guys who fix the bike knew that this was impact damage (the scab on my arm, I'm sure was a dead giveaway), after several mentions of "going down" and "wiping out" I told him "bicycle forensics has outed the truth from me. Yes, I did indeed fall off my bike, damn you Bike CSI!" And we had a laugh.

Still though, I have to pay to fix it...Damn it.

In other news
I'm adding another project to my list of things to do during the week. Drawing, Exercising and now...meeting with a friend to help her with a screenplay she wants to write!

Yes I'm signing on as a writing partner which excites me to no end because someone to bounce crazy ideas off of in the hopes of producing some creative work is something I've wanted for decades but never knew how to go about it, and she approached me.

We don't quite know what its gonna be yet, but I'm hoping for the funny because we are bother highly interested in the nature of comedy.

More as it develops.

Labels: The Cap'n

Feeding our White's Tree Frogs has become a bi-nightly hilarious circus that we finally got captured in video. As it goes, when the camera is out, the frogs usually don't perform. Other night, Kiff Croaker leaped out of the tank, bounced off the cat's head then leaped another 4 feet into a soft cat. Picking him up was like finding a piece of chewed gum at PetSmart. He was so hairy he needed a rinse off.

Here are some antics from last night:



In other news
The Cap'n is Back!



Afte 9 months or so (nearly a full year total), I'm secure enough at my job to pull the Cap'n Marrrrk identity back out from under sink in the basement bathroom and put him back on. Feels nice....

Labels: funny, pets, The Cap'n

Please lower our Gas Prices.

I didn't catch the location nor could I find a local story, but the local news today said there was going to be a Prayer at the Pumps somewhere around town today.

Nine days before TED2008, filmmaker David Hoffman lost almost everything he owned in a fire that destroyed his home, office and 30 years of passionate collecting. He looks back at a life that's been wiped clean in an instant -- and looks forward.

It's interesting. Over the years I've kind of offloaded most of my stuff, much of which I'd never really accumulated in the first place. Oh I do have stuff and crap but very few things I think of as "mine". And of those, that "box of memories", I never look inside at the old birthday cards and occasional letters. I think it's because I may find it too painful to look at cards from estranged or dead family, but that's neither here nor there.

My books (most of what I think are my possessions) are replaceable, Alessandra has dozens of irreplaceable photo albums. My wife and my pets are my most "cherished possessions", but there you go. I'm not a huge ass film maker which a huge ass archive.

What would you do?

via-Ted

The Nerd/Geek Bloggosphere is creaming in it's collective jeans for the new iphone G3. Unfortunately it's spilling over into nearly every blog on my reader: "Look the new white box! The very first owner! The lines! How to unwrap and open your iphone." Sure it's cool, but it's driving me batty.

I think everyone needs to calm the fuck down and watch: The Story of Stuff



viaThe Beautiful Kind - Ramblings of an Expert Slut and Nympho Sex Goddess

Labels: Worth your time

capnmarrrrk

Check out this ad from Funk Sunglasses (click to enlarge). It's a drug and alcohol fueled "Choose Your Own Adventure" of poor decision making which leads to an array of awesomely bad results. The tag line would lead you to believe you would wear these shades going into the office with a smug hint of Laddie-type pride, but each result is completely humiliating.
Either the concept was bad or it deliberately sets out to cause Cognitive dissonance.



via-FFFFOUND!

McDonald's Hates It When America Wins

Why is McDonald's doing this? It's obvious: They want to sell junk food to China by pandering to nationalist feelings. But once this gets out, how will the knowledge that McDonald's "loves it when China wins" affect nationalist feeling here in the United States?

It won't do a damn thing. Americans already know exactly how awful McDonald's and it's fast food brethren are for you, but that knowledge doesn't stop our fat, hungry maws from eating/munching/consuming.

via The Raw Feed

Conversations with a 12 Year Old

My cousin Leslee lives in San Francisco and daughter Sara has attended a science camp (Cub Creek Science Camp) for the past 4 years in Rolla, Mo. We've offered to drive her down and back but her grandma has always done it until this year when she moved herself out to San Francisco. Since we were already going down for the 4th of July to visit my inlaws who live near by, we finally got the word that we could bring her back. Long story short, we picked her up a day early so she could visit the farm and hang out with us instead of just a quick 2 hr car ride.

Even shorter: How am I going to entertain a 12 year old girl I hardly know in a house full of Brazilians on a farm with no animals? What does one even say to a 12 year old girl?

Since Alessandra was hosting some friends at the farm as well it was up to me to go pick up my first cousin once removed for a day at a farm with no animals.

Here are the the highlights of our visit told in anecdotal conversation. Me=me, SR=Sara Rose.

SR: I believe no animal is ever responsible for an attack. It's always going to be a man going into the animals place and forgetting it's an animal. There is no such thing as a "bad" animal. Even pit bulls have to be trained, and they can be rehabilitated.

SR on NTM: No, it's not "when will the monkey bite, they always bite first thing. It's how they establish dominance. I try to teach her about anthropomorphizing, but she's already familiar with the concept and calls it "personification" which is pretty much the same thing. This girl is 12?

I know this is a silly question, but have you ever heard of a band called "The Beatles?" Me LMAO: Of course, they were the biggest pop group of all time. These two counselors at my camp [aged 17], never heard of them so I thought it was just a "California thing." Me: You are obligated to hit anyone on the nose with a rolled up newspaper if you ever hear that again.

Along the way to the farm we rescue two turtles from the highway.

SR: I have a master plan. I am going to become a veterinarian, get a job at a zoo and spend a couple of years working with big cats, maybe rescue some cheetahs, then this is the stupid part. I know it sounds stupid, but I want to rescue maybe 5 snow leopards, tranquilize them then clone them back from the edge of extinction.

Me: That is probably the best master plan I've ever heard. Think about it, by the time you finish vet school and work with the cats cloning technology will be much further along and totally possible. You have got to do it!

20 minutes into the ride to the farm: Can I ask you a question? I want to sing for you, but I need an unbiased opinion. She sings and is on key, but needs training. I tell her to remember that a)she's singing a capella, b)with no warm up & c) for a near stranger. So power to her.

While discussing the odd gifts her grandma gives her for christmas and birthdays (a tin drum so she can form a band with her brother and cousin, and a single spoon so she can learn to play the spoons). I tell her that once her grandma gave me a buy one/get one free coupon for AMC theaters. Me: Rich people don't get rich giving it away.

SR: My parents once told me "Everyone is rich in some way either in spirit, or talent or family so I told them: What about the drug addict, alcoholic with no family or friends who is about to die of aids? You can't tell me that person doesn't exist. How is he rich? They didn't have an answer.

Me:That's one of the little lies your parents tell you because they love you. They may even believe it themselves, but it's still a lie. Another one is: 'That's ok, everything will work out alright in the end' which is another lie because that certainly isn't true either.

SR: My mom told me I'd better not get burned playing with fireworks.

So I let her hold the propane torch and light our fireworks. Light then run! Later, while not exactly lying to her mom about the fireworks, neglected to tell her we were blowing shit up.

SR: I've never had a milkshake before. We later take her Steak n Shake so she can have her first strawberry/banana shake. "It's marvelous!"

SR: hates chocolate and when she received 6 boxes from boys for Valentine's Day, she offers to pay her brother and mom to eat them for her. Later in the afternoon I watch her delicately pull chocolate chips out of her Chips Ahoys.

Has read the book Wicked which has some racy parts, and wants to see the play. She heard it was awful but she wants to see it anyway "I don't want believe it's terrible because that's what people say. I want to see it because I want to judge it on my own."

SR: used the word Tenterhooks in a casual conversation.

SR: Do you miss your hair? Me: Not really, because as you can see I'm balding anyway. SR: I wish my legs would go bald because I hate shaving them. Me again laughing my ass off: Welcome to the rest of your life. You could always let it grow out and never shave like a hippy. SR: No I couldn't because I'm not a hippy.

SR: Are you an optimist or a pessimist? Me: As much as I'd like to say "Optimist" I'm going to have to go with Pessimist. SR: I'm a Pessimistic Realist

SR: Did you an Alessandra have crushes on other people before you met? Me: Of course! SR: I believe in 'love at first sight' but not "true love at first sight". I don't think thats possible.

SR: I lost 3 ipods in one month. I'm not allowed to have any more. Later SR discovered she'd left her cell phone at the camp so we had to pick it up again on the way out of town. After we put her on the plane, we discovered she's left it in my car.

And so it went for a very enjoyable afternoon and day hanging out with my cousin. It shocked the hell out of me how much this girl knows. I told her she was "dangerously smart, but criminally stupid: because of some thing she had done later that evening, but man it was a gas.

Labels: personal

This was passed along to me today via Facebook. Dave Fishman was my pledge brother in AEPi back in what 88? And he is lost to the mists of time. I haven't seen him in nearly 20 years, but someone is looking for him. I've wondered from time to time what happened to him and where he went. I found this little site very sweet. Have you seen him?

Dave is the kind of guy you want to hang with for a weekend, he's loud, provocative and annoying after a while, but he is always fun to hang with - for a weekend, like we said. Don't get us wrong, we're not inviting Dave to come spend a weekend with us, we're actually not even inviting Dave over at all - but we would love to catch up.

This is a quote from the book Night Watch which I'm currently reading and this quote really stood out.

The context is that there is a revolution brewing in the streets of Anhk-Morpork, and commander of the watch Sam Vimes knows with certainty that it's going to fail via Time Travel knowledge.

There were plotters, there was no doubt about it. Some had been ordinary people who'd had enough. Some were young people with no money who objected to the fact that the world was run by old people who were rich. Some were in it to get girls. And some had been idiots as mad as Swing [a character], with a view of the world just as rigid and unreal, who were on the side of what they called "The People." Vimes had spent his life on the streets and had met decent men and fools, and people who'd steal a penny from a blind beggar, and people who performed silent miracles or desperate crimes every day behind the grubby windows of little houses, but he'd never met The People.

People on the side of The People always ended up disappointed in any case. The found that The People tended not to be grateful or appreciative or forward-thinking or obedient. The People tended to be small-minded and conservative and not very clever and were even distrustful of cleverness. And so, the children of the revolution were faced with the age-old problem: it wasn't that you had the wrong kind of government, which was obvious, but that you had the wrong kind of people.

As soon as you saw people as things to be measured, they didn't measure up.

What would run through the streets soon enough wouldn't be a revolution or a riot. It'd be people who were frightened and panicking. It was what happened when all the machinery of a city faltered, the wheels stopped turning, and all the little rules broke down. And when that happened, humans were worse than sheep. Sheep just ran; they didn't try to bite the sheep next to them.

Labels: cool, Only Human, Story Telling, stupid-people

If we get burned it's our own faults.

I'm not always the smartest Cap'n. I'll be the first to admit that, as well as not being perfect AND being lazy.

So First Mate and I need some work done on our house, just some general scraping, painting and cosmetic work. We are referred a guy named Bill by our Elderly Widow Neighbor Ruth who says he does good work. We get a business card.

Mate calls Bill: He says he'll come over next week, look at the house and give us an estimate. A week goes by. No Bill.

Mate calls the second number on the card, Bill's Partner?: Not anymore, "I haven't worked with bill in over a year. He's still using that card? Yea, that is weird."

Another call is put into Bill. He says his computer went down. He'll come over on Saturday, 10 am to do the estimate. Saturday arrives, Bill shows up a 6pm.

He gives a great price, but we have to pay 1/2 up front for supplies. We think about it just long enough for Bill to walk out the door and then say yes.

Bill comes over to collect the check. "Hey uh, can you make this check out to me instead of the business? If it goes to the business, it takes 10 days to clear." Mate tells me No because she wants a check made out to a company and not a person.

Message from Bill on the Phone the next day: "Uhhh, I have to come get a new check because the Bank put a stop on the company account because someone stole my checks out of the truck and used them so they closed the account, so it has to go through my personal account. When Bill returns the check we gave him we can see he scratched out the company name and wrote his name on the check. Gee I wonder why the bank didn't take the check?

A week goes by. The check is cashed. No work done yet. 1/2 week goes by. Mate calls Bill: "Oh I'm going to start work tomorrow. I was going to come over because I lost your phone number and tell you that. Also someone borrowed my tall ladder and didn't return it, so I had to buy a new one."

Clearly this man is a liar, and based on my "professional" opinion an alcoholic loser (based on general appearance and speech), BUT it's almost too much hassle to try and get the money back from him (at this time) and look for someone else to do the work. Plus he's probably already bought the materials.

Of course, looking into the future. It's probably less hassle than he potential hassle, but being the lazy man I am, I am choosing to ignore the red flags and hope he does a good job.

I mean, how far off can a elderly, possibly senile old widow be?

This Morning's Dream:

I am Donald Duck and Sasquatch has kidnapped my wife Daisy Duck (who I know is Alessandra).

He is on the run to an island off the coast of Alaska. All I have to stop him is gun that shoots water balloons. Which is ineffective.

For some reason Sasquatch decides to take a slow boat, while I take a plane.

I get to the island before Sasquatch and my wife. It is there that I discover that water balloons can freeze and my silly little plastic gun is an ice ball cannon.

Sasquatch is fucked as I fill him full of giant cartoon holes because I've loaded up my ice balls with rocks and frozen grapes. Daisyssandra is mine!

I wake up.

Why Donald Duck? I've discovered that I have a 2 day delay between when I observe something and when it arrives in my dreams. Because I am a lazy man, I have never gotten around to transporting the copy of The Life & Times of Scrooge McDuck from my nightstand to the bookshelf. It's been there for months. And occasionally while Alessandra is getting ready for bed, I page through it and marvel at the art work (which I did Saturday Night), as well as eat grapes and buy some frozen blueberries (which have a funky texture in the bag).


Errata: I munch a lot of ice (which probably figures into the dream as I've been eating a lot of Sonic ice, the best ice in the US) and I bit the tip of my tongue which now sports 2 little cankers on the tip. And they sting something fierce! Talking hurts, eating hurts, even sleeping hurts because I rasp my tongue across my teeth. I've been rinsing with peroxide and putting Zilactin-B on it. The B stands for Benzocaine. It protects and numbs my tongue for a bit, and coats it with some goo, but applying it is like sticking my tongue with a tack and/or splashing acid on it. I want to scream. I have no idea how on earth anyone could possibly live through a tongue bifurcation.


Keeping up my weirdness street cred
I discovered Sunday night that if I type "Say" into my Terminal on my mac that it will use a speech synthesizer. So I used it when I answered the phone when I got a call that night. Wouldn't you know it, it was a telemarketer! Unfortunately I didn't make it past, "She's not here right now" before they hung up. I would have like to carry on a conversation. Maybe next time.

Labels: cool

"Ladies of Madrid’s long and hot evenings strut their stuff on the runway in an attempt to improve their status in their neighborhood. The fashion show appears to have been quite well attended."

via Neatorama.

Cap'n Marrrrk is Pro Prostitute. It's something that should be regulated,and legal to avoid the sorrid business of STDs and such.

Labels: Coexist

Now that I have run out of coffee after the weaning process it's time to close up the Lab, put away the presses, the filters, and the airtight containers.

Sigh....

My appetite is getting stronger without my Black Mistress.


Tomorrow I officiate Crazy Legs Dave's wedding at a Glass Factory! Coolness

The other day I ran nearly 6 miles by the time my workout was complete. Oddly enough my heart rate hasn't dropped that much so I need to wear my monitor and keep within my 75-85% of my max so I work aerobically and not anaerobic.

On Tuesday I bumped a car while parallel parking and the guy, who was sitting in a restaurant came running out to yell at me. Of course there was not even a scuff mark on his license plate, and while he was yelling, I said, "If you want we can call the police." and he backed down. Alessandra and I ate our entire meal and when we went outside to the car we had seen that the doofus moved his car 1/2 a block down? WTF. Alessandra just figures he's a secret car fucker.

Labels: Things and Stuff

NICE guys knew it, now two studies have confirmed it: bad boys get the most girls. The finding may help explain why a nasty suite of antisocial personality traits known as the "dark triad" persists in the human population, despite their potentially grave cultural costs.

The traits are the self-obsession of narcissism; the impulsive, thrill-seeking and callous behaviour of psychopaths; and the deceitful and exploitative nature of Machiavellianism. At their extreme, these traits would be highly detrimental for life in traditional human societies. People with these personalities risk being shunned by others and shut out of relationships, leaving them without a mate, hungry and vulnerable to predators.

But being just slightly evil could have an upside: a prolific sex life, says Peter Jonason at New Mexico State University in Las Cruces. "We have some evidence that the three traits are really the same thing and may represent a successful evolutionary strategy."

More via - New Scientist

Dicks.

Psychology Today Blogs: "George Carlin's Last Interview"

Remembering George Carlin : NPR

Labels: Fuck The Man

Remember as you read the quick quotes that pop up today about George Carlin's Death, and the bummed out eulogies (of which I am indeed bummed out), that he was far more than "The Hippie Dippy Weatherman" and the 7 Dirty Words guy. George was a Master of Observation, and the foundation of his humor was NOT about the silly little foibles of American Culture that make us chuckle, but focused on the the major train wrecks and squandered birthright of the human animal.

He hated humanity in the general and loved individuals in the specific, and I'm glad he lived long enough to make us squirm with discomfort when faced with the mirror then achieve catharsis with laughter. At the end he was a cranky old-fart, with a laser-eye and the courage to tell us all to fuck off. And for that, I'll miss him.

Here are a few links I'd posted the last couple of years.

Dumb Americans

Fuck The Children

"101 Greatest" George Carlin Quotes

addendum: You're All Diseased (entire show)

Labels: Fuck The Man

I'm so used to the world shitting on me (yes, yes the Eternal Victim), that it's a great relief when something nice happens for a change.

It's rather crass to complain about not having air conditioning when folks a few hundred miles to the North are losing everything, so I didn't. However the pleasant surprise came when the Home Shield Insurance pretty much paid for a whole new fucking unit!

What I mean by "world shitting" is this: usually things don't break my way when it comes to...uh stuff. You know, you take the car in for an oil change and you end up needing a new clutch, kind of stuff. You know how it goes...but oddly enough, as I get older, I know this really isn't the case, and even as I write this, I can think of two recent things (not including getting a job at a place I actually argued against my skills with the recruiter), that broke my way. So I know this is a gross exaggeration.

So I come home today and there is a brand new AC unit on the side of the house, Ale tells me that we only paid $300 for labor but that all the equipment outside and downstairs would have run us over $1500, so a big honkin' W00T! on that.

On a side note: Today was also Super Hot Chick Day at Boot Camp. It keeps my attention. Somehow I became a group leader, so I ran the class today. I'm really beginning to love the endorphin rush after class, and it was a drag that there were 5 days between classes I could make it. I think I'm going to be hurting tomorrow. Luckily, my recovery time is much quicker now.

For heath reasons I have to give up coffee, and I am miserable without it. I've been weening myself off it and I'm down to 1.5 cups of half caff a day. World around me is a crushing dullness of slowwwwwww. I'm afraid of gaining weight from an increased appetite. It doesn't help that last night I ate a thick-ass Fried Bologna Sandwich with a side of Mac n Cheese.

At work there are two women who work in the same department at my office. They often walk by my cubicle together. They are both very nice...BUT one is a Little Person and the other is very obese and every time, I can't help but wonder how many of the small one would equal one of the big one.

Bumper Sticker Sighted: Children are Gift From God.

Yes at least until they stab you when you're sleeping or some other such foolishness: 17 Gloucester High teens involved in pregnancy pact

There is a data provider who has a product called Amadaus. So when I said, "Rock me Amadaus!" One of my workers said, "What?"
"You know...the song: Rock Me Amadaus!"
"I never heard of it."
"It must be because I'm Ollllllld! Oh there's Old Man Mark again talking about the 80's when I was just a baby!"

I didn't even attempt, "Dr. Zaius"

Labels: Things and Stuff

Sperm count concerns specialists

Two years ago when fertility specialist Gil Wilshire came to Columbia from his practice in New Jersey, one detail jumped out at him. His male patients in Mid-Missouri were much less fertile than those he treated on the East Coast.

"Nobody I saw had a normal sperm count," said Wilshire, a reproductive endocrinologist at Mid-Missouri Reproductive Medicine and Surgery Inc. "It took about two or three weeks until a normal semen analysis came through the door. I kept asking myself, ‘Am I in a hellhole of toxins?’ "

Danny Schust, another endocrinologist who arrived here from Harvard University in 2006, had an almost identical experience. He was accustomed to treating men with low sperm counts, but those he saw in Missouri all had low counts.

"I went to" an andrologist at the Missouri Center for Reproductive Medicine and Fertility. "And I said, ‘Are you guys doing something different here because I never see normal sperm counts?’ " Schust recalled. "And she was like, ‘No, this is Missouri sperm.’ "

Their stories are part of a chorus of local people who work in the field of male fertility asking questions about low sperm counts in Mid-Missouri. Some suspect pesticides have percolated into ground water, but no definitive link is known. They say they are frustrated by the lack of attention to the problem and the lack of funding for further research.

More

If you look at the chart on the right side of the article, you will see that more interesting places have higher sperm counts, which lead me to the theory that the sperm are leaving the farm to seek their fame in the Big City.

marriedtothesea.com

I still laughed in a bitterly, ironic way.

Wheeeee!

AN ARMY OF FUN - New York Post

June 15, 2008 -- We're going to Army World!

In August, the military plans to open its first Army Experience Center, a combination recruiting center/video arcade/retail store to promote serving your country.

Rumored to becoming to Times Square, it'll be like the Disney Store, except with guns and camouflage.

The 14,500-square-foot center will be a multimedia extrava ganza with high-tech gadgetry, including flight simulators and life-size soldier video games.

That person greeting you at the door? That's an actual Army officer.

While the Army will sell a small amount of merchandise at the venue, the focus is on building "brand experiences" that give poten tial recruits a taste of military service.

Last summer, the Army appointed its first official chief marketing officer, Edward Walters, a 38-year-old West Point grad armed with an MBA and a marketing stint at Kraft Foods.

Walters said the Army store is a prototype for a new kind of recruitment office and is the latest example of the military's increasing use of marketing tools to attract the next generation of soldiers.

"We're moving away from normal recruiting offices and desks to places where men and women can experience military service," he said.

"We've been doing that with innovative techniques like interaction with real soldiers and high-tech virtual experiences."

The Army already holds elaborate marketing events around the country to entice potential recruits. For instance, mobile Army Strong Zones offer rock-climbing walls and weapons demonstrations. It also has started to use Facebook and MySpace, as well as online gaming and cellphone messages.

In 2006, the Army tapped ad agency McCann Erickson to craft a $200 million ad campaign with the "Army Strong" tagline.

"Traditional marketing has been challenging," Walters said. "When you're just focused on TV and the Web, it's hard to get the full message out there."

The Army barely exceeded its overall goal of adding 80,000 soldiers last year, and only after relaxing standards, such as allowing recruits who lacked high-school diplomas.

via- Disinfo.com

Neil Young Fans Suddenly Love War

Despite four decades of feverishly anti-establishment rocking by Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, fans are showing up at concerts and booing the rock veterans for performing anti-war tunes. They've even been marching out en masse in protest against songs like "Ohio" and "Military Madness." "The forthcoming documentary 'CSNY: Deja Vu' charts that friction, portraying fans who saluted the group's efforts and those who felt betrayed by them, while introducing viewers to Iraqi War vets who are now protesting the war as musicians, politicians and social workers. Directed by Young and due in theaters July 25, the film blends concert and behind-the-scenes footage with short news features created by CNN correspondent Mike Cerre."

Q: One of the film's most powerful scenes shows Atlanta fans angrily filing out of the venue, not before telling you to go to hell, and that's putting it kindly. When you look back on the tour, are there faces and middle fingers in particular that stick out?

Neil Young: "I remember some faces. There's one guy I remember for sure, and he's not in the movie. This was a harrowing experience at times, and it's not an experience that I would like to repeat. I think it was a one-off. I think if I did this kind of thing for the rest of my life, I'd become like CNN, and I don't really respect that very much. It's like the same thing on a loop. I don't see the need for that. I like to be a full-length program, not a repeating segment."

Q: Besides Atlanta, the reaction in Orange County, California, was particularly bad, and even spurred fights. Did the negative reactions cause you to second-guess yourself at all?

Young: "There was never any sense of giving up or anything. We went from July 4 to September 10 on the tour, and I remember feeling glad that we weren't playing on September 11. There were moments throughout it where you just shook your head and said, 'God, what are we doing?' But the songs were there, the feeling was there, the audience was there, and we were doing it."

I remember the commercials in the 80's for CSNY doing a concert for Vietnam Vets, and all these guys in their uniforms grooving. I'm gonna bet that the walk outs aren't vets and have never seen any military action.

It's been a long time comin'
It's goin' to be a Long Time Gone.
And it appears to be a long,
Appears to be a long,
Appears to be a long
Time, yes, a long, long, long ,long time before the dawn.

Turn, turn any corner.
Hear, you must hear what the people say.
You know there's something that's goin' on around here,
The surely, surely, surely won't stand the light of day.
And it appears to be a long,
Appears to be a long,
Appears to be a long
Time, yes, a long, long, long ,long time before the dawn.

Speak out, you got to speak out against the madness,
You got to speak your mind,
If you dare.
But don't no don't now try to get yourself elected
If you do you had better cut your hair.
`Cause it appears to be a long,
Appears to be a long,
Appears to be a long,
Time, such a long long long long time before the dawn.

It's been a long time comin'
It's goin' to be a long time gone.
But you know,
The darkest hour is always
Always just before the dawn.
And it appears to be a long, appears to be a long,
Appears to be a long
Time before the dawn.

Labels: Fuck The Man, Rock On, stupid-people

We had a party last night. Festa Junina, which is the Brazilian Harvest Festival where everyone dresses up like Brazilian Hillbillies (which look pretty much like American Hillbillies), and they dance etc.

Some guests to our parties bring their children, often with nothing to entertain them. So last night, seeing that they were already bored 5 minutes within walking in, decided to put on a movie for them.

What should I put on? Kill Bill Nah. Looney Tunes? Sure...Wait...The Princess Bride!

Mark: Yes! You kids have to watch The Princess Bride. Its one of my favorites and one of the best movies ever.

Gabriel (age 7) Can we watch Looney Tunes please?

Mark: No. I promise you'll love it. Sure it's got a girly name, but it's got sword fights, and giants, and monsters and all kinds of cool stuff.

The movie comes on and Grandpa tells Fred Savage pretty much the same thing I just told Gabriel. I think it reassured him as he didn't say anything else after the movie started. Maybe he was just hypnotized by the magic picture box.

Princess Buttercup is kidnapped and jumps overboard from the ship. Here come the Shrieking Eels. The eel turns and charges

Caroline (Age 11): Ahhhh! I'm scared!...Eel scene cuts to Grampa telling Fred Savage, "The eels don't eat the Princess. I just thought I'd tell you because you look a little worried. Then it's back to the eel scene.

During the sword fight I hear Caroline say, "Wow, cool!"

Eric the Dad walks by, looks at the TV: Oh wow, The Princess Bride! I'm gonna stay and watch it.

5 minutes later, Alessandra walks by: "Ooo! The Princess Bride!

A little while after that, the tv party got broken up by the fact of the Festa Junina. But for a short time there was some small coincidental magic going on. Later I gave the dvd to Eric to take with him and he said they would all watch it together at home.

That's all for now.

Disney 'Noose' Necklaces Raise Concerns

ORLANDO, Fla. -- Necklaces with golden noose-shaped pieces being sold to promote Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean line have some people fuming.

"It looks like a noose and I don't like it," a resident said after seeing the jewelry.

The necklace is being carried by some online retailers but cannot be found on Disney.com. However, it is part of Disney Couture's Pirates of the Caribbean line, WTSP-TV reported.

"I think that is ridiculous to let people see that and the kids today," a man said.

St. Petersburg's NAACP President Norman Brown said the necklace raised racial overtones for him.

"If I saw someone wearing that, I would be uncomfortable with that, regardless of what race because, to me, it's like taking the law into your own hands," Brown said. "The thing that came to my mind when I saw the noose was lynchings."

The jewelry line also features a necklace with skull and cross bones and slingshot bobbles.

The NAACP said they don't believe Disney meant any harm by the necklace but they are asking the company not to display it at theme parks or online.

Disney has not commented on the jewelry.

I had to attend a company seminar yesterday about "Attitude". It was a complete waste of my time because actually I felt I could do more for the company if I was working on my project instead of sitting in a meeting wondering why all the cute girls there were single mothers under the age of 25.

How do I know this? Because we had to take 30 seconds to tell everyone things about ourself. The person who gave the most facts in that time won a company logoed teddy bear.

This made me think of a shopping list for myself which evolved into this post.


A- Alcoholic/Addict: sober 16 years. Alpha Male: I'm not.

B- Bald: I shave 2x a week and am cool with it. I look goooooood.

C-Computer: Upon which 85% of my waking time is spent for all my entertainment and education needs. Greatest thing ever.

D-Discworld: Sits on the back of 4 elephants who ride a giant turtle through space in 30+ books written by Terry Prachett my favorite author.

E-Enlightenment: Once sought in a New Agey way, now abandoned.

F-Fuck: My favorite word

G-God/Goddess: I used to pray my first 7 years in sobriety. Then I slowly became an atheist.

H-Hair: The Rock Opera sound track my father used to play constantly when i was younger which probably went a long way to warping my personality as a child, as did Hogan's Heroes (according to my Mom).

I-Ice Muncher: Unrepentant. I hear it's bad for your teeth.

J-Johnny Socko: My love of Science Fiction came from this Japanese show of a boy and his flying robot. Consequently, Johnny carried a gun, shot people and flew with a jet pack. How fucking cool is that?

K-Kiss: I once dated a girl who (I swear) could unhinge her jaw like a snake for 180 degrees of face-eating kissing. In 1976 KISS was also the first concert I ever attened. My wife is not Snake Girl but is indeed a great kisser.

L-Lexapro: Anti-depressant. Apparently I went undiagnosed with a General Anxiety Disorder for 28 years as well as having serious depression. Lexapro makes me feel much better.

M-Michael: Rumor has it this was to be my name, but my parents changed it at the last minute. Oddly enough I haven't felt like a Mark most of my life though I don't think Mike would fit. Subsequently all Marks with a K think all Marcs are total pussies, with only one exception, all Marcs I met were.

O-Orgasm: Global Orgasm Day

N-No Touch Monkey: Really, don't touch the fucking thing. They are filthy creatures.

P-Plattner's Modern Man: A clothing store aimed towards black men founded by my Grandfather in East St. Louis, then run into the ground by my Dad and Uncle. This resulted in the bank foreclosing on my father's house which put him outside on Oct 31 cleaning the pool for prospective buyers when he fell into the pool (jumped?) and drowned. Platypus, Plattapussy, Plattmuff, (Pattadick, Plattaclit) part of a song sung in fun, Pussner, Platta, Platts, Uncle Platts, Uncle P, P are all nicknames I've held over the years.

Q-Queen-They will Rock You! Also slang for homosexual which my mom thought I was during my teen years. To her credit, she had several gay friends and would have been cool with it had that been the case.

R-Rings, wedding: by Margaret Thede (mine's the one on the far left)

S-Strattera: Controls my ADHD which also went undiagnosed until last year. This accounts for the 35 jobs I've had since college. It grounds the fuck out of me and keeps me mostly on task. I love this stuff, it's magic.

T-Tracy: My sister whom I love, but is so different from me that communication is nearly impossible. Is married to and emotionally and mentally abusive tool.

U-Underwear: Fruit O' The Loom Boxer Briefs

V-Victory: I'm not a very competitive person, subsequently I lose a lot of games I play. I tried many sports and performed so poorly at them that I now believe organized sports are for suckers.

W-Wife: Alessandra. She's so awesome I should do an entire A to Z on her. Wheeeeee!

X-XXX Porn: I do indeed watch it. Alessandra doesn't care.

Y-Youth: I'm not as young anymore, where did the time go? My body is beginning to break down and it is beginning to bother me.

Z-Zeta Reticuli: My family once saw a UFO over a swanky mall in the County when I was young. It was a hovering row of lights that made no sound and changed colors a few times before disappearing.

Labels: The Cap'n

Bangkok - In a case that has baffled Thai police, a 40-year-old man was found dead on Sunday with a badly bitten cobra carcass in his hands and a condom on his penis, news reports said.

Wiroj Banlen, 40, was found dead on the side of a dirt road near Lamsai village of Ayutthaya province at 07:00 on Sunday.

A preliminary police autopsy revealed Wiroj had several snake bites on his right leg and his cheeks, said The Nation online news service.

The dead cobra found clenched in Wiroj's hands had also been bitten several times, and snake remnants were found in the dead man's teeth, suggesting a case of man-bites-snake in revenge.

More puzzling for police investigating the case was the condom, which contained no semen, found on Wiroj's penis. Police speculated that Wiroj was removing his trousers when the cobra struck.

Wiroj's body was sent to hospital for a post-mortem. - Sapa-dpa

Link