Back on the horse
Today I was laying in bed in an unusual state. I was taking a nap after getting up at 6:30, going to the bathroom and deciding to go back to bed. It was awsome.
And as I lay there and willed my muscles to relax, I thought..."Ok, pretend this is your death bed, you are going out as you would like, nice and relaxed, gestalt your life."
I'm sorry to say that it was a negative burst of frustration, anger, missed opportunites and pain. I didn't tense up, but continued to drift. I thought with some resignation, "Yeah...that's probably how it's gonna be."
But I realized there is no reason for it. I have a wonderful wife and a fantastic marriage. I may not be super great with my family, but I do love and care for them, there is no longer any hate.
However, I am walking around with a spiritual pain that closely resembles a physical pain. As thought there is a wall between me and the rest of the world. I looked into dealing with it this way, and I'm currently on Paxil, which further divorces me from my emotions. At this time I've decided to just live with it as a part of me. "Ok, I'm walking wounded, let's just move on to the next thing."
Which brings me back to Everyday Avatar. Having just looked at a goofy-ass Men's Movement, I'm rather down on the jargon-parroting, ritual-formulaic, culture-theiving aspect of it, but still believe there is some quality of Maleness that needs addressing, as well as the personhood aspect of giving of one's self to the community.
Since the end of March when I put EA on Hiatus, I've been resting my energies. It seems selfish to me on first glance, but on the hindsight deathbed, I'm still giving. I am training for the MS 150 and raising money for a worthy cause, and in doing so, I'm exercising on a regular basis. I give blood from time to time, more specifically I gave it on a day that was My Day. That says something, and I've been there for a friend who was inexplicably hospitalized and I've proven my loyalty and friendship with this vacation fiasco, and I only lose 1 vacation day so someone else can have a good time.
So I'm still in the personhood game, even if at times it doesn't feel like it, which is important because I realized today that I have everything I need at this time, and then some. It's a fucked up world and getting more fucked up everyday.
It's time to get back on that horse, pull on the god mask and get back to fucking work.
And as I lay there and willed my muscles to relax, I thought..."Ok, pretend this is your death bed, you are going out as you would like, nice and relaxed, gestalt your life."
I'm sorry to say that it was a negative burst of frustration, anger, missed opportunites and pain. I didn't tense up, but continued to drift. I thought with some resignation, "Yeah...that's probably how it's gonna be."
But I realized there is no reason for it. I have a wonderful wife and a fantastic marriage. I may not be super great with my family, but I do love and care for them, there is no longer any hate.
However, I am walking around with a spiritual pain that closely resembles a physical pain. As thought there is a wall between me and the rest of the world. I looked into dealing with it this way, and I'm currently on Paxil, which further divorces me from my emotions. At this time I've decided to just live with it as a part of me. "Ok, I'm walking wounded, let's just move on to the next thing."
Which brings me back to Everyday Avatar. Having just looked at a goofy-ass Men's Movement, I'm rather down on the jargon-parroting, ritual-formulaic, culture-theiving aspect of it, but still believe there is some quality of Maleness that needs addressing, as well as the personhood aspect of giving of one's self to the community.
Since the end of March when I put EA on Hiatus, I've been resting my energies. It seems selfish to me on first glance, but on the hindsight deathbed, I'm still giving. I am training for the MS 150 and raising money for a worthy cause, and in doing so, I'm exercising on a regular basis. I give blood from time to time, more specifically I gave it on a day that was My Day. That says something, and I've been there for a friend who was inexplicably hospitalized and I've proven my loyalty and friendship with this vacation fiasco, and I only lose 1 vacation day so someone else can have a good time.
So I'm still in the personhood game, even if at times it doesn't feel like it, which is important because I realized today that I have everything I need at this time, and then some. It's a fucked up world and getting more fucked up everyday.
It's time to get back on that horse, pull on the god mask and get back to fucking work.
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