Fuck Fucking Fear? I'm scared.
Last Friday 2 more guys with my company got fired, setting a brief panic on me, The Cap'n.
The interesting thing about the brain and how it processes information is that it takes lots of shortcuts, and it makes assumptions on data that have nothing to do with what is actually occuring.
I was -> <- this close to cowering in fear that I would be next, even though there was no evidence.
Fear is primarily based on loss. Please don't take my job, livelihood, masculenity, life and/or power. And Friday I sure felt the Fear.
As some folks who come by here may know, I've been on Paxil for the last 6 months, and much of what I feel is somewhat muted (except for anger which is quicker to abate though)...it takes a large dose of caffine to make me feel "normal", which of course then brings the attendant "Free Floating Anxiety".
Of course it's alright to feel Fear. Only an idiot would say otherwise, but it is a drag, and even harder, sometimes, to not act on it and do something stupid. Luckily in this instance I was paralyzed by fear and didn't do anything but surf all day.
Cycles
An interesting thing came to light during my recent media fast. I became aware (once again) of the chemical cycles that rule my life. If course I believe that personality is a combination of chemistry and history, and that there are cyclical tidal forces that swing the brain chem around. We constantly learn things about ourselves that we forget and relearn again, and again. It's the nature of the imperfect gelatinous grey matter.
So I was very surprised when I read Stephen King on James Frey's ''Million Little Pieces'' this past weekend while at a friend's house.
While King generalizes about Alcoholism in general, he does nail some things, mostly the bit about Alcoholism being a "Liar's Disease". As an addict and Alcoholic, I found that I primarily lie to myself about movtives and issues of self (and my role in the workplace etc.), and that all my perceived failures are related to the truth I bury from myself. Of course, I don't believe that this only happens to alcoholics...this happens to everyone, I just think that the failures are more pronounced with the Alkie.
That all being said, EA is about being claiming your masculine Godhood, but as the project continues we find that we are drawing the genderline less around being Masculine than it is about being a Person and the daily responsibility that entails.
The interesting thing about the brain and how it processes information is that it takes lots of shortcuts, and it makes assumptions on data that have nothing to do with what is actually occuring.
I was -> <- this close to cowering in fear that I would be next, even though there was no evidence.
Fear is primarily based on loss. Please don't take my job, livelihood, masculenity, life and/or power. And Friday I sure felt the Fear.
As some folks who come by here may know, I've been on Paxil for the last 6 months, and much of what I feel is somewhat muted (except for anger which is quicker to abate though)...it takes a large dose of caffine to make me feel "normal", which of course then brings the attendant "Free Floating Anxiety".
Of course it's alright to feel Fear. Only an idiot would say otherwise, but it is a drag, and even harder, sometimes, to not act on it and do something stupid. Luckily in this instance I was paralyzed by fear and didn't do anything but surf all day.
Cycles
An interesting thing came to light during my recent media fast. I became aware (once again) of the chemical cycles that rule my life. If course I believe that personality is a combination of chemistry and history, and that there are cyclical tidal forces that swing the brain chem around. We constantly learn things about ourselves that we forget and relearn again, and again. It's the nature of the imperfect gelatinous grey matter.
So I was very surprised when I read Stephen King on James Frey's ''Million Little Pieces'' this past weekend while at a friend's house.
While King generalizes about Alcoholism in general, he does nail some things, mostly the bit about Alcoholism being a "Liar's Disease". As an addict and Alcoholic, I found that I primarily lie to myself about movtives and issues of self (and my role in the workplace etc.), and that all my perceived failures are related to the truth I bury from myself. Of course, I don't believe that this only happens to alcoholics...this happens to everyone, I just think that the failures are more pronounced with the Alkie.
That all being said, EA is about being claiming your masculine Godhood, but as the project continues we find that we are drawing the genderline less around being Masculine than it is about being a Person and the daily responsibility that entails.
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