"Youthful Follies"
I had read Jo's post over at the doxy diaries about the taking of her virginity, and it made me realize that I had performed some sexual improprieites as a young man. Things of such a nature, the time has come for an airing confessional. Unfortunately they were so long ago that it is not prudent to finding the people and making personal amends.
Personally, I don't know how sexual education was dealt with for other men while growing up. Mine was a gift of the book, What's Happening To Me all the physical issues of puberty were dealt with, but the emotional, and social issues were never explored.
As a result, I fumbled around in my early dating. In High School I groped a drunk girl (but didn't go under the panties) of a girl who kept telling me "No". That's the one that bothers me the most. I was drunk, she was super drunk (and a brown-belt in Karate too), and we were in the back of my friends car, and for the life of me, I didn't know what I was doing was wrong. Her pleas fell on deaf ears. She had a crush on my friend, who then passed her on to me as a sloppy seconds after supposedly "fucked her in the ass". After that night, we didn't see much of her anymore. I sure hope I didn't ruin her life.
Later in college I felt up a girl who was asleep. To my dying day I would swear she was awake. When I told her she freaked out, and it ended a friendship with myself and an entire group of friends.
By the time I had any kind of self-awareness in this area I had dated one other woman with whom I was the stereotypical octopus. I pressured her every whichway to give it up, and much to her credit, she didn't. But I go down in experience as Jerk.
The Past has passed and lessons have been learned, but the shame was there for quite a while. The person I was, doesn't jibe with the image I had of myself then, nor of the image and person I am now, but the facts are the facts: while I didn't cross the line into penetration, I was a woman violator back when I was younger. In some people's experience, I may have been, "That Guy".
It's been nearly 20 years since then, but the guilt and shame has been sitting there. I don't excuse myself by claiming, "Boys Will Be Boys", or "I was drunk." But I'm not going to beat myself up for it either. I was young and stupid. I don't hate myself, I know I've changed and grown. But this is something that needs to be spoken of, if I want to continue on my path to where ever it leads me.
Personally, I don't know how sexual education was dealt with for other men while growing up. Mine was a gift of the book, What's Happening To Me all the physical issues of puberty were dealt with, but the emotional, and social issues were never explored.
As a result, I fumbled around in my early dating. In High School I groped a drunk girl (but didn't go under the panties) of a girl who kept telling me "No". That's the one that bothers me the most. I was drunk, she was super drunk (and a brown-belt in Karate too), and we were in the back of my friends car, and for the life of me, I didn't know what I was doing was wrong. Her pleas fell on deaf ears. She had a crush on my friend, who then passed her on to me as a sloppy seconds after supposedly "fucked her in the ass". After that night, we didn't see much of her anymore. I sure hope I didn't ruin her life.
Later in college I felt up a girl who was asleep. To my dying day I would swear she was awake. When I told her she freaked out, and it ended a friendship with myself and an entire group of friends.
By the time I had any kind of self-awareness in this area I had dated one other woman with whom I was the stereotypical octopus. I pressured her every whichway to give it up, and much to her credit, she didn't. But I go down in experience as Jerk.
The Past has passed and lessons have been learned, but the shame was there for quite a while. The person I was, doesn't jibe with the image I had of myself then, nor of the image and person I am now, but the facts are the facts: while I didn't cross the line into penetration, I was a woman violator back when I was younger. In some people's experience, I may have been, "That Guy".
It's been nearly 20 years since then, but the guilt and shame has been sitting there. I don't excuse myself by claiming, "Boys Will Be Boys", or "I was drunk." But I'm not going to beat myself up for it either. I was young and stupid. I don't hate myself, I know I've changed and grown. But this is something that needs to be spoken of, if I want to continue on my path to where ever it leads me.
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