You can sometimes get what you want.

Then what? You take the ball and run like Hell. But then you end up further away wondering what next.

It just hit me again, promting this post. The euphoric wave, this time from my balls to my 3rd eye. I'd been thinking these past few days about writing more about it, but these waves are leaving me nearly paralyzed with pleasure.

A combination of my two favorite Sins: Lust and Sloth. The majority of my attention from puberty has been about the seeking sex and downtime. I hate work, but I hate being unemployed even more. Mainly because all my playmates are out working and the bills don't pay themselves. Plus all I do is surf porn and masturbate myself into a coma.

So it would seem then, the achieving of one's goals is met with a hollow victory.

Based on what I think I know of Chaos Magic, this constant series of pleasure waves would be the catalyst for some great working or insight, but unfortunately I feel to good to do them, so I charge other's sigils of which I got one.

I've tried to put myself on the outside. What would I say to someone if I knew they were euphoric? "Dude, don't let this opportunity escape! I know I wouldn't." But the hard reality is, I would. Why?

Because it's Free or Too Easy? Perhaps I don't believe anymore. I just feel really fucking good.

Let me try to explain the feeling once again. Tingling and warmth at what I would call my Chakras. Nearly all of them are lit up at one time or another. That's where what I feel to be energy is housed. When it rises and showers out of my head, it is akin to a constant low level orgasm.

Let me just say that when this is combined with an actual orgasm that I feel as though it really is the "La Petite Mort. I suspect this is how women feel it, but I dunno. It's Mindblowing.

I do try, at times to imagine myself as a god with the energy flowing out of my body, but to what use? I have tried to put it into a Reiki symbol to heal my wife of an allergic reaction she's had for the last week, but the Reiki feels like an incompatible energy system. Meanwhile, in my mind, I am a Sex God, The Creator. At least for as long as I can remember, before the daily motions of the World pull me back out of my ass.

I spoke to the Dr. and am cutting back on my meds just in case. I don't want to have a Seratonin overload, and I do and I don't want this feeling to stop. No for obvious reasons. It's what I've wanted and sought for years. Yes, because I can hardly function.

Let me say unequivically that this is much, much better than the Anxiety I've suffered with for years, but I can't live this way...as much as I'd like to.

But for the time being: I am the God of Fuck. Hear me Moan!