The Right Reverend Cap'n Marrrrk

Today I get to be a wedding officient. I like officiating weddings because it's then when I can become the Everday Avatar because I am the Shaman at the Transformation. I was given Carte Blanche to write the vows. Here is what I came up with:

I went looking for good quotes about marriage, but they were all very disparaging. Really, who wants to hear things like:

“Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.” Or “Love-matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar.”

No one wants to hear this. These are words from cynics. Marriage is one of the most rewarding endeavors one can face, second only to Parenthood. And here you are stepping through one threshold and looking down a very short hallway to the next doorway.

Marriage is what you make it. It is an organic construct that you have to be conscious of at all times or it will be hi-jacked by your most basic, selfish desires and die.

With a shortened timetable between Marriage and Parenthood it is imperative for you both to learn about each other’s needs, weaknesses and strengths; intertwine and compliment them. To build a strong house. And when Baby comes, remember to not focus solely on the child and transfer all of your love and affection to him or her, but keep a large portion for yourselves. Remember that love is inclusive, not exclusive, and not limited by number.

As it was told to me, and as I share it at every wedding I perform: Marriage is a transformation of two individuals into Family. A bond has been created that somehow transcends time and space yet is rock solid. You are Family and that means everything that comes with it: the terrifying, the tediously mundane and the victories both small and large.

So it is at this place where I am done talking and offering unasked for advice. I turn it over to you both.

Please repeat after me:

I, Brian, promise to infuse you with my love and not hold you to any conscious and unconscious, wifely preconceptions that I may have. To stick by you through all the joys and hassles-big and small that life will throw at us, to do my best to love and respect you above all others. I also promise not to let you get kidnapped by evil clowns and sold into slavery in Morocco. If you say, “Yes”, I'll worship you as my Best Friend, Lover and Partner.


I, Ashley, promise enfold you in my love and allow you to be the person that you are. To keep you in my heart through everything life offers, and to do my best to love and respect you above all others. I also promise you that I really do think Rovers are the greatest vehicle ever and to never tell anyone about that thing that you do, that you made me promise not to tell anyone about. If you say, “Yes”, I'll worship you as my Best Friend, Lover and Partner.

oops, gotta run