Giving without expectation of return
Before I jump into the topic you may need some Cap'n Marrrrk backstory in no particular order:
Ok so that said I had decided I needed to open myself up again to positive forces because I looked into the future and saw myself alienating my wife from me, and frankly she is the best part of my life. So in the past few weeks I have decided to start sending out prayers to a universal feminine goddess force, whom I hoped would be a warmer, more loving force than Old Testament Jehova. This coupled with my cat Lola getting sick I decided to try and activate the Reiki energy after 5 years.
The Reiki energy came back to me full force in a day and I began to feel a transformation within myself. I can't objectively verify Reiki, I don't know if it even works, Lola is on meds and seems still just at the edge of sickness. But my hands get hot, and Alessandra claims she can feel it.
So as I remarked I love my Alessandra, I adore her, and I worship her in my mind, and I tell her all the time. I spent 4 years every moring rubbing her back and ass before we woke up, but in the past 3.5 years of tenuous employment it fell by the wayside. And I've reciently started up again.
At the same time, in the morning the past few days, I've activated the Reiki because Lola is sneezing, and because she won't sit still, I'm actually using Alessandra as a surrogate Lola. I've been told you can do that with Reiki. You know...this all sounds really weird when I look at it on the page...
So I'm hugging Alessandra and rubbing her back and ass, I'm supercharged with Reiki Energy, I'm simultaneously asking the Goddess force to allow the energy to flow through me (goddess and reiki being unrelated), but I'm telling the goddess that I adore her, and the Goddess is manefest in Alessandra in my mind, and at that moment I become (in my mind) the masculine God force, and I am lost in a sea of Testosterone and energy, and frankly I am turned on 6 ways from Sunday, I'm going Zap, Zap, Zap and Alessandra is half asleep and knows only that she feels warm and relaxed. There is no reciprocity, and much to my complete surprise...it doesn't matter.
Alessandra and I have not had a decent functional sex life in years, and I have discovered that I can get this worked up (and I very much was), and not be angry at her for her lack of response, or bury that anger and dig it out later as projected annoyance, or sublimated elsewhere for later guilt mongering.
Why? I don't know...I like to think its because in the depths of the energy flow, when I allowed the god force to enter me, that I became the Shaman and the Healer, and those kinds of emotions are not a part of that archetype. I tried it the next two days after that to the same result, and my conclusion is that when I invoke those archetypes that they over ride my selfish, damaged aspects. I'm aware that these are not necessarily external forces, but manefestations of me, but it seemed to work, and it was that particular event which has caused me to create this web log to document such things.
I felt good, for the first time in a while. Even if it doesn't really work objectively, believing that I am a conduit for the Reiki Energy, and manefesting archetypes has opened the door to escape from the black room so I can wander a little more around the chapel, where I know I'm gonna get lost again. The question is, will I be aware of it?
- In the past 5 years I've gone from positive New Age guy to bitter troll which may be connected to no longer believing in a Jehova god and dropping out of Alcoholics Anonymous because of that and I began seeing it's negative cult-like aspects
- Before that all went away, I was practicing Reiki Master, and played around with ritualistic magic, and chakra opening which has planted me firmly in R.A.W.s Chapel Perilous
- A lack of any kind of life plan has left me drifting around with no career path or real passion to do anything with myself, and that most things that I have tried such as writing or starting my own business have ended in failure due to my lack of perserveriance
- I don't get laid nearly as much as I'd like, far below the national average
- Having grown up in a family with no visible expression of love, as a virtual only child (while having 2 siblings in a split family), I never learned much about thinking about the needs of others over myself.
- As a very emotional child, and adolecent I've blocked off the positve ones because I'm tired of being hurt...(man that's just fucking sad)
- I'm currently recieving therapy for Anxiety and general negative thinking.
- Despite all this, I'm acutally quite a nice and fun loving guy.
- I am married to a wonderful woman, who meets nearly all of my needs
Ok so that said I had decided I needed to open myself up again to positive forces because I looked into the future and saw myself alienating my wife from me, and frankly she is the best part of my life. So in the past few weeks I have decided to start sending out prayers to a universal feminine goddess force, whom I hoped would be a warmer, more loving force than Old Testament Jehova. This coupled with my cat Lola getting sick I decided to try and activate the Reiki energy after 5 years.
The Reiki energy came back to me full force in a day and I began to feel a transformation within myself. I can't objectively verify Reiki, I don't know if it even works, Lola is on meds and seems still just at the edge of sickness. But my hands get hot, and Alessandra claims she can feel it.
So as I remarked I love my Alessandra, I adore her, and I worship her in my mind, and I tell her all the time. I spent 4 years every moring rubbing her back and ass before we woke up, but in the past 3.5 years of tenuous employment it fell by the wayside. And I've reciently started up again.
At the same time, in the morning the past few days, I've activated the Reiki because Lola is sneezing, and because she won't sit still, I'm actually using Alessandra as a surrogate Lola. I've been told you can do that with Reiki. You know...this all sounds really weird when I look at it on the page...
So I'm hugging Alessandra and rubbing her back and ass, I'm supercharged with Reiki Energy, I'm simultaneously asking the Goddess force to allow the energy to flow through me (goddess and reiki being unrelated), but I'm telling the goddess that I adore her, and the Goddess is manefest in Alessandra in my mind, and at that moment I become (in my mind) the masculine God force, and I am lost in a sea of Testosterone and energy, and frankly I am turned on 6 ways from Sunday, I'm going Zap, Zap, Zap and Alessandra is half asleep and knows only that she feels warm and relaxed. There is no reciprocity, and much to my complete surprise...it doesn't matter.
Alessandra and I have not had a decent functional sex life in years, and I have discovered that I can get this worked up (and I very much was), and not be angry at her for her lack of response, or bury that anger and dig it out later as projected annoyance, or sublimated elsewhere for later guilt mongering.
Why? I don't know...I like to think its because in the depths of the energy flow, when I allowed the god force to enter me, that I became the Shaman and the Healer, and those kinds of emotions are not a part of that archetype. I tried it the next two days after that to the same result, and my conclusion is that when I invoke those archetypes that they over ride my selfish, damaged aspects. I'm aware that these are not necessarily external forces, but manefestations of me, but it seemed to work, and it was that particular event which has caused me to create this web log to document such things.
I felt good, for the first time in a while. Even if it doesn't really work objectively, believing that I am a conduit for the Reiki Energy, and manefesting archetypes has opened the door to escape from the black room so I can wander a little more around the chapel, where I know I'm gonna get lost again. The question is, will I be aware of it?
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